Tuesday, November 15, 2005

believing in the center of the self

current y! status: invzble
thinkin of : oi the day after tomorrow, i'm gonna be half-dead

i am in exam mood. and it is sad to say, i've changed. deep inside, i know. not that i've forgotten the previous me, but these things i've been dealing with made me sick.

i can no longer look at myself and feel seriously happy. i can no longer laugh my ass out over those silly jokes. i am contented. just maybe not like the old times.

my last paper would be on the 18th. after that i'll be damn busy.

i may not get rid of that feeling, but i'm learning to live happily with it. so would you mind to leave me alone till i get this sorted out? after that, i know i have some explanation to do.

i missed my house.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

strapped tight

sometimes, you feel like giving up everything for the sake of the one you loved. even if it's gonna hurt. even if it tore your heart away. even to sacrifice your happiness.

i know i haven't been a good one to you. i know i don't do the things she does that made you happy. i know i am there not to help you out. you know what? i don't belong there. and i'm not sure if i really am anything to you.

i am not sure i feel ok. i laugh a lot. i smile a lot. at work. i am the don't-mess-with-me-or-else girl in class.

btw, i've been messaging one of my guy classmates. he's a nice guy who claims he's a sweet-talker, which isn't haha. and he talks good english. his name's efy and he reminds me of the nerdy version of khaleel. or khaleel is the hip version of efy, take your pick. both of em are themselves. :D

both zuras and anees been talking me out of finding another guy as in's gone. well, guys. we'll see when he gets back in november.

oh, i got assignments to do. so, see you guys in a month... or more.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

welcomes herself here

current y! status : can't login. i'm in the college's lab.
thinking of : my progress report which hasn't shown a progress at all.

i really want to sleep without a care for the world. these days, i just can't. why is taking up degree different from diploma, i wonder? i used to take things easy but done. now i'm broke serious though done.

all i can think about now is, i'm muted. i talked less. i chose what i talk. i'm becoming the silent girl. seriously, i haven't had any decent conversation with my fellow new classmates. why, the age gap was only a year but i feel as though i'm the oldest in there. there are a few who's older but acted like a kid.

say, is this what it feels to have responsibility and be an adult?

Monday, August 01, 2005

back for good.

errr.... i will be back soon.. hehe

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

the disastrous end of what was a good beginning

current y! status : it won't hurt if it wasn't pure
thinking of : the load of piles behind me

this is gonna be the last time i'll post my entry at number xx, ayer keroh using the phone number 23xxxx2. i won't live here ever again.

the 6 of us never had a clue that this will be our ending. never thought i'd end up here only with zura by my side. it was just so sad thinking of how we used to be so hated by other collegians of the extreme noise we made. how laser-mouthed all 6 of us were. how we just don't care about other people as long as we have each other. kenangan hanya boleh dikenang, takkan mungkin diulang.

you guys used to have a very special place here but, only for a mere mistake we were all separated.

to farrah : i knew you had no choice. she did make you cry but it wasn't right to punish her like that. forgive me for understanding you.

to sha : what goes up must go down. i guess now you know what you did to me felt. be a good wife to him cause that's the only thing i knew you're good at (other than tell-tale)

to bada : this one whole year is not enough to know you. i am glad i didn't. your selfishness caused you, us. just don't do that to your future friends, cause they might not be as patient as her.

to awei : what we had were utter heaven. i never had that kind of feeling till we lived together. and i never experienced hell like when you left me. thank you for leaving. cause i understand what true meaning of friendship was.

to zura : what we've got now is only each other. you taught me so much. we've been through so much. though it was only 2 years, i felt like i've known you a lifetime. looking forward to see you again. cause we're friends, FOR LIFE!

to the girls with boyfriends : you guys would be a lot better when you're out of the house and leave the 2 alone. see what happen when you interfere with them? you hurt yourselves.

i am desperate for a job now. i just want to make money now that i'm really free from any commitment for the next 3 months and a half. the interview i went to was a good expose though i couldn't commit as i'm a commitment-phobe (according to a close source =P). the job required me to sacrifice my chance to go for a degree though the money i'm gonna make is VERY tempting. the odd-working hours screwed me too. i gave up on 3 offers already. =(

somebody asked me to learn to cook during this looonng period. yea, i'm gonna do that. coz i'm gonna get married before you =P haha.

there are certain types of people that you'd want to meet even you've only known them for a short time. there are also the kind of people that even u've known them for a lifetime, you may never want to take the trouble to see them in person, though you may have many chances.

and suddenly, i felt sad.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

happy birthday, doinx!

current y! status : was my wait worthwhile with all the time i wasted?
thinking of : the tsunami i caused to my room wahaha!

my blog turned 1-year-old today. it is still an infant though it has evolved towards maturity.

my place to rant, my place to scream, my place to pour everything i felt. this is the place that saw everything in my life for the last one year.

it is sad to know that it has been a year already. i still remember the day i decided to blog. frantically searching for the best blog provider around. and here i am now, choosing blogger to host this little place of mine.

from the days when i have all the time in the world to blog to the days i can't even post a single word for a full month. it has experienced it all.

i've been constantly changing my blog skin and this is the one i connect to the most. the picture of my darling little angel. love you so much, baby!

so, a very happy birthday to my little blog. :D

Sunday, March 20, 2005

to go or not to go?

current y! status : that man is not meant for you. i'm sorry.
thinking of : the ipc course

oh. pardon my y! status these days. azwan and i were so obsessed with sepet that we put our y! status with its dialogues. speaking about sepet, its director, yasmin ahmad is a muar-born. fascinating fact. she is if you can remember, the director for those petronas commercials, "kenapa saya suka rumah saya" and my favourite "janda beranak tujuh".

i liked the way she answered of the responsibility to memartabatkan bahasa melayu. she said her responsibility is to memartabatkan perasaan manusia. hmmmm, an honest retort. the reason she did movies was she loved her family very much and decided to tell their story on the silver screen. sweet.

i'm damn bored. and i hate it when i have nothing to do but i can't sleep. i woke up early unlike my typical sundays and went out for breakfast. and i haven't been sleeping since. and as i couldn't force myself to sleep, i get many things done. i sent myself packing. just need a few small boxes for the little things i won't get rid of but didn't find any specific uses for them neither. sleepy.

i am not going to the ipc course. i'm not going to waste 150 bucks for a certificate that will get invalid in 2 years. ok i'll pay for something that will get invalid in 2 years AND i will be making full use of it. but it seems, by hook or crook i'm gonna continue my studies so even if i did pass the exam, i may not have the appropriate use for the cert. fixed.

actually this interview thang bothers me. i have so much to do but so little time with the course going on. so, i'm not ready for the course and the exam. i have to be ready for the interview and the stuffs i needed to settle. mental.

i wonder, if you know just how it feels to be left outside alone?

Saturday, March 19, 2005

under my skin

current y! status : i've waited for you far too long. so many things happened while i was waiting
thinking of : the guy who wasted his money on F1 grandstands and circuit girls.

i graduated already! my last paper was on thursday, that sucks. i just hoped that mr ho didn't let any1 of us to fail his paper.

i watched sepet that day, 2 times! it was an interesting movie. definitely not another boring malaysian movie. pardon me but i recommend u guys to get the vcd, instead of going to the cinemas. them finas folks wouldn't do the film any good. as for me, i got the made in masjid india's. wallawey, clear and full uncut. :P an honest expose of what malaysian culture is. whaaat? the movie is about a chinese illegitimate vcd guy who fell in love with a malay girl. so, it's not a boring lovey-dovey stuff. i'm not going to spoil the surprise. go and find your local vcd supplier , LOL!

oh, went to klcc that day. i brought along two, giggling teenage girls.

adik aku, cousin aku

my darling sister and my cousin, both turning 18 this year. i found laksa shack at the newly renovated picnic (i forgot to lookout for its new name) my, its laksa is terriblicious for terribly+delicious. its laksa johor is near perfection, though i forgot to ask my sister to change the spaghetti to the normal laksa. definitely a must try.

laksa johor

this was what i ate. it may look terrible, but it was almost as good as the laksa.

spaghetti marinara @ pizza milano

the day before that, i went to ana's sister's wedding. she said it was in seremban, but to our horror, we had to endure the spiral road windings of kuala pilah! but it was worth it. we made ana happy. at least her friends from here showed up, yea the least expected, me. hehehe.

us, before waiting for the bus.

us, after standing for a damned hour.

these are my little darlings.


oh yeah. been using my significant other's lumix. memang menghartanegarakan betul hahaha!

anyways, i have a course this monday on ipc stuffs. and a job interview on friday. what la. i have to rush to kl on thursday. people, i'm nervous, both for the ipc exam and the interview. the interview's gonna be in english. damn, i wished i didn't put THAT grade for my proficiency in english. shit la.

pray for me people and a friend's aunt whom undergo an operation today. =)

Saturday, March 12, 2005

the art of missing

current y! status : layan lemony snicket. best woi.
thinking of : bila rindu - ruffedge

entry kali ni, pakai bm yerk. aku rindu plak nak menulis dalam bm. hehe.

aku sibuk dengan final exam sejak 2 menjak nih. skang nih menggaru kepala tak tau nak wat pe sebab last paper ari khamis depan.

balik rumah jap tadi. saje nak jengah rumah nak tengok benda baru yang mak cakap semalam. mak datang sebab aku mintak mak datang. semalam, diorang sakitkan aku lagi. tak tahan sangat sampai aku mintak mak datang jugak. aku dah tak terkata apa. terkedu ada, tergamam pun ada. tapi yang aku tau, semalam aku dah putuskan aku tak kenal 3 ekor babi tu lepas aku berbakul2 aku maki diorang. tak guna berunding dengan orang bodoh, sebab kita pun jadi bodoh skali. aku diamkan je walaupun zura suruh aku bahasakan diorang balik.

aku ingatkan masih ada ruang untuk bermaafan. sekadar mengharap pada yang memang tak sudi. babi-babi sekalian, korang dah kene samak pun, aku tak sudi. korang bukan manusia sebab korang memang takde perasaan.

yang aku tahu skang, aku tengah teringat kat dia. ingat nak tanya pasal inter-mcd wall-climbing, tapi waktu aku datang tadi, o.c. ada, trus la kensel plan. tengok kete dia yang comel tu cukupla. kita akan rasa sakit bila orang yang kita suka tak bagi respon yang kita harapkan, tapi rasanya lagi sakit bila orang yang kita suka bagi respon yang kita harapkan tapi seolah-olah macam nak lari dari kita. camana ek?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


current y! status : 3 guys and a girl
thinking of : let's see. my 90% projects and him and mr g.

i got a pink rose today. not from him lah. but from bada. she was in the mood of flowers. and it touched me that it is my first rose, ever. thanks a lot, friend. (come to think of the original intention of buying the red rose given to him intentionally bought for her). i'm sorry. it was just you will never be as special as zura is to me. we've been through A HELL LOT together without you and will continue that way, insya-Allah.

i'm in my exams week. didn't feel that much of the study week though as i've tido tido tido been busy with constructing a new circuit for my projects. the lab wasn't open so i open my own lab. redesign the pcb layout again coz the kit's too small. did the lettering on the board. bought ferric powder, yea i did the etching by myself. found out oggy's drill not available. guess what? mom bought the drill set for me LOL. but couldn't be used as the one used for the board is very-very small and the drill can't hold it. so have to wait for syahrin's whom did a great job at forgetting to bring it everytime he went back.

that held me back for 3 days. solder the stuffs then the project sucks, again. big time. it won't even count. shit la. my favorite remark these days is pegila mati i just don't care. i'm gonna type a report about the failed project. i don't want to overdo troubleshooting like what i did the first time which cost me the presentation marks. hope my supervisor will sympathesize considering the first pcb could count though only half the digits can be displayed.

i was supposed to see her and submit the project today but couldn't locate her. she wasn't answering her phone and what good it would do if i couldn't find her if i went to main camp?

got a house already. i'm hoping that kutkm would be so kind to accept me for degree hahaha so i can work and pay for my ass. i'm gonna stay with an and the sisters. mom would kill me if she knew the real them, *laughs evilly*. i knew who they are, mom. i'm not gonna be like them. err... at least for now hahahaha!

been hunting around for anis' stuffs. what can i do to make her change her mind from pharmacy to medics?

me : why la ko tak nak amik medic nih? try je la

her : tak nak la. kesian kat orang yang kene operate tu, mesti sakit

me : mestila operate pakai anesthetic, ler. kan same je waktu ko operate katak waktu biologi tuh

her : mane same. operate katak tu main tenyeh-tenyeh je

yea. she was afraid she'd hurt people while my reason not to take pure science stream was that i was afraid i'd hurt the lab rats, LOL! it was just there's no real medical doctor in my family line. i'd like her to be the first. but i'd let her be. tak jadi pemuzik sudah.

just now, industrial electronics paper. tomorrow no paper. on the 10th, 11th and 17th. then, cuti sampai 22nd. 23rd masuk balik makan place, till zura call me for another work.

my status on ym? a friend questioned me flirting around. how about if one of em tersangkut? ah well, they're not at least for now, so i'm safe. i'm being nice to everybody. as i'm overly happy due to excessive sugar intake.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

temporary farewell

current y! status : fell in love with the 8th world wonder
thinking of : bits of this and that

it was a sad day, today. the fact that the industrial electronic's lab session was our last formal fit of the lab jacket. and submitting the girls' final project report was our last formal visit of the main camp. we created so many memories here. these past 5 months taught me the real feeling of being in a real campus. it was sad to leave. but i know i'll be back again, to send MY final project report, hehe.

last night, zura asked me of the last person i want to see before i leave this place for good. i said maybe mr g considering my softies towards him. then this afternoon, i saw this guy i've been longing to see without realizing it, dain. you can imagine my excitement and touched feeling. that is one last guy i want to see, coz i can never be near him or get to know him. i guess looking at him over at long distance is much better. that long lazy stride, THAT goatee, the innocent face, i memorize everything. goodbye to you, guy.

been a bit down. coz i hated it when i started to feel like a loser. why can't mr. g understand my calling service hours like D did? and why did he keep failing to keep his promises? i'm not tired to chase, i'm afraid you'd give in coz you're tired of being chased and that you'd hurt me. so..... i'd just do the lettering for my board for now, hehehe.

talked to fazik. relieved a little seeing him and kesh. i've been the faithful customer who'd order a chocolate sundae and sat at the long bench facing the counter. i missed working. i missed makiing customers. i missed service. i missed rushing for drive-thru. i missed closing center island. and of all this, after only 11 days not working.

GOD, give me a miraculous strength to carry on. assure me that everything will be fine.

a big HI for syazwan, mr accountant!

Monday, February 28, 2005

it is 1.30am

current y! status : I LOVE DREAMWEAVER! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
thinking of : encik d. encik g. encik d. encik d. encik d. encik d. encikkkkk D!
listening to : peter pan - bintang di surga ... loop forever.

for omar :

it has been a while since i last heard you. but it was a big relief when i did. i don't know why.

glad you understood every piece of crap i told you about. touched knowing that you're still there, ready to catch me everytime i fall. happy to know that life's been good for you.

i couldn't care less if he didn't return what i felt, back. but i do know that through that time, you're going to be just where you are, ready to be the wet-blanket.

i'm not going to say thanks, coz even with a million of it i still couldn't convey my gratitude. you're worth much more than that.

coz you're a rare gem, found in the darkest and hardest part of the earth.

been blessed that our paths crossed.

with all the love in the world,

the omar i know.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

utter blank

current y! status : *squeeze* *stares* *clicks*
thinking of : *squeeze* argh, my projects. *squeeze* *fiddles hand*

zura came home on friday, so we decided to lepak at our local playground - subaidah. it already rained heavily when i arrived to pick her up. i was already half-soaked. so, after waiting for a while at her house, we decided to ride out.

the place was jam-packed with bois watching a ball being chased and then to be kicked again. and right after we settled down with zura and bada, the rain poured again heavily, drenching my helmet. the heavier the rain gets, more people came pouring in. macam nak pecah tempat tu. we got stuck there till 3am. by then, dah berbakul2 gelak tak ingat dunia, mengumpat, tengok hunks orang.

when we got home, we've got this night screening of my sassy girl, the sequel of the popular movie windstruck. halfway, bada fell asleep leaving me with both zuras. then i realized, i can be anywhere with these two. i didn't regret one single bit when my roommate left me coz them filled the space. as long as they are with me and not shunning me out of their lives, i'd be fine. a night spent with these 2 beautiful people.

some people may misunderstood what i've written here. i found it amusing coz i realized the way i wrote may just exaggerate little things. but things would not be that special if everything had to be written clear. so, it's up to you to understand my writes. and even if it's not from the way i understand it, i couldn't care less. i'm an open-source supporter, remember? hahahahaha!

my friend called it kaedah pemangsaan eine. so when i applied the technique, he'd ask, sape mangsa terbaru ko nih? the prey is a guy i've been eyeing for the last 2 years but didn't have that much of a chance till now. err... i mean earlier this semester. all i can say is, i'm pretty much occupied. :P

i'm in the mood for a good squeeze of someone's hand. bad.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

a week of hell

current y! status : *sighs* peter pan *sighs*
thinking of : him. no other.

these past week had been one of the busiest days of my life. ask final year students, they knew. i want to write sooner, but just couldn't steal time to sneak up here and write.

my project suck, big time. i had to start from scratch. again. yes, people. going through the long process of lettering, etching, drilling, soldering and endless troubleshootings. again. anyways, been lucky coz my supervisor's been lenient with it. gonna start asap coz final's just around the corner.

a friend commented that i shouldn't gave him a flower on valentine's day. should've given something guy-ish instead. (hint: bugs, centipedes, beetles). well i think it was fair coz he gave me the bolded former quoting it as a valentine's gift the day before that. and i made an innocent looked face siap tanya lagi "apa nih?" when he shoved the lidded cup to my face when i was supposed to go screaming. hahaha. i guessed he showed it to the wrong girl.

i'm already off-schedule. it has been sad to go back after the last day's shift (with him). knowing that i may not be able to come back there and work. so sad. to leave him LOL!

*sniffs* i miss my family. i cant go back, even when my family lives the same distance as my main camp.

p/s : the songs used to be the keys of d and e. now i add g to it. details later. now, i've got a draft to attend to. by the way, happy new hijri year!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

after a short hiatus..

current y! status : if u cud give me just one love, one life n one chance to believe in mine
thinking of : my damndest projects.

this past holiday season made me cuti from blogging. i swear i'm online all the time. ask those peeps in ym, they knew.

my feelings? like what zura said "ko tuh bukan leh caye. kejap je dah tuka." ma lady, that is so true. but this time it is different. maybe the fact that i'm not in that teen-age anymore (though i claimed to be one all the time) and that person is one gay old man. hahaha!

something happened made me thought about this all over. so, why not if the feelings want to go this way or that, just take a deep breath and let it go where it wanted? coz it wasn't that simple. matters of the heart is something you don't have full control over. it is also something i hated, coz it bothers me. bad.

but again, i love my family. though i can never be me, they're one place who won't turn or close doors on my face. thanks zura, for making me realize deeply the true meaning behind the saying blood is thicker than water.

i want to enjoy this few days of working. i want to eat as much as i can.

and the saying goes,"banyak makan mengeraskan hati."

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

take it or leave it

current y! status : love you, even when u made that fucked-up face. love you, even when u ignored me entirely. love you, when u threw me that longing gaze. love you, whole!
thinking of : my stupid boss

i excused myself from work today. last night worked with him counting the stocks for end-of-month. with sai fong in store i couldn't help but ignore him completely. though that was the moment i've been waiting for. been missing him for the last one week. =( he was in the mood to talk but i kept my gaze straight and didn't even looked up to him which i was sure he noticed. don't want to build my confidence too much though it was a doubt if this will pass. a provoking thought each time i got involved soft. hehe.

got out of the store at 1. talked to fazik as the night before. we were chattering happily when kesh got out and asked us to help him replace the new price hike for breakfast items. after finishing that, fazik and i were about to leave when again, kesh asked us to help him with the heat-treat ; washing the ice-cream & shake machine. when all of the parts were washed, i could barely hold my eyes open as it was 5 already. he went back at 3.45 as he had meeting at 10.

me? i got class at 9 but learning to do heat-treat is one chance of a blue moon. and that chance to learn missed me my day-wage. could hardly wake up at 9, with full class up to 6. bawak motor pun cam orang mabuk je, mengagau tak tentu pasal. was really tired and after informing kesh personally, i went back and slept till 12am. now, i'm still sleepy.

yesterday went on cd hunt. now i'm thinking of when's the time to watch those 11 cd's i boronged?

*sighs* i missed him, terribly. i couldn't announce my fondness openly. luka tersagat tempat fry ayam sakit sebab berdarah, camna nak cakap pasal luka yang tak berdarah tapi sakit? sakit sampai rasa setengah hidup je. separuh penuh. kepala tahap masuk air longkang. mana mau dicari bahagia?

Monday, January 31, 2005


current y! status : guilt indulgence of sugar-laden and hi-cholesterol
thinking of : that pretty pengkid

i worked morning shift today. it felt good to be around si pisang and kesh. poor fazik had to work 13 hours straight. he even missed the chance to talk to huda.

some customers really get to me. i had to breathe long and hard to keep me from blowing up. but then, when the sight of him caught my eye, the madness and piss just evaporated. imagine, baru nampak muka, belum cakap lagi. kalo cakap, customer nak maki berbakul ke, product x de ke, drive-thru jam ke, sure takpe punye hahaha! he did throw me that cold stare when i barely glanced at him through break. but really, he was just like ice over a hot fire. gonna work tomorrow night with him for end-of-month. cam malas la pulak nak mengadap muka dia.

got back at 6 and took a short nap. woke up with a headache and sombre. was thinking of buying some cd's as i didn't have time to go to the cinemas nowadays. i need fresh air to clear my dirty mind, full of worldly deeds shit. and suddenly i felt empty.

grabbed my keys and rode out. went on eating spree. bought 2 slices of secret recipe cakes. uh yummy! and tried the new kfc oR fillet, and of course not forgetting my fave garden salad with popcorn chicken while flirting with the pengkid. hahaha. i'm gonna make those bitches green with envy. siapla aku angkut pengkid tu balik. LOL

got the thought of disturbing fazik but to my relief he was about to leave when i arrived in mcD. his face really brought a smile to my face. his being soothed me while both of us lepaking on our respective bikes talking and laughing to each other. he's so naive and pure. yet so shy and sensitive. i admire this guy. and i'm happy just to sit there and be with him. really fond of him. =)

by then, i'm happier than before. thanks to fazik, vicky who dropped by later. and zura who'd be by my side thru this kind of stuffs. love your spare tyres! a big *mwahx* for all of you for making up my day..

Saturday, January 29, 2005


current y! status : secrets of beauty
thinking of : who can decide what they dream?

i've been lepaking with abang adik and the rest of jusco bois for the straight two nights. the toilet badly need a new makeover, so it got a nice hue of light green. it is nice to be a mandur to lepak with them instead of staying in this hell. they're wacky and they're awfully loud with swearings. it felt good to watch them do their job while i simmer some maggi for them indoors last night. tonight, kak erra cooked beehoon for them.

i don't know why i did feel so at home with them. them were so awfully close with each other. no wonder abang adik is so proud of them. so proud of their team. their brotherhood who'd stand up for each other's asses. it's not a surprise that i was the only girl there. i didn't bother them that much. tending to their food and their drinks. as long as they're not hungry and thirsty, they'd manage fine. mind you, for free. they're not under obligations to do this job, but they're helping their friend - abang adik that is. that's the spirit i envied. no matter where or whom you worked for, they'd do anything for each other. i AM jealous. =)

didn't work today. my off-day. spent the day with loafing around jusco. spent on a card for syah, some chocolates, earrings and err.. eyeliner LOL. i'm eyeing a body shop's new fragrance line.. for men. of a man smells good and i have just the perfect person to sniff it from. *innocent look*

a belated one for my girl, zack. love you loads and welcome to the legit club! LOL!

happy birthday for my classmate, syahiran. turning a 21-year-young man. hehe.

wishing a dearest fez, rock on, guy. though we may not be what we used to be. happy birthday!

the best of wishes for a bright year ahead, a guy who turns 21 today, the bestest friend a girl can wish for. my friend indeed, omar. God bLess you, always.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


current y! status : all i wanted to say was... *sighs* do you even see me here?
thinking of : another 5 days...

i spent 2 hours of my life today riding my ol' trusty bike to main camp, home and back again. been missing my naughty baby. it touched me when he knew i was going back, he'd ask "kak long, nak salam" and he'd salam cium tangan. very the touching that he didn't fail to do that everytime i went off to ride back. maybe it was the effect of him seeing me did the same thing to my mom. he's growing into a healthy baby with very bad tantrums knowing everybody will give in considering he's the youngest. iskkk, mak nak balikkkkkkkk!

been rushing to send my upu applications. the verification blabla they even bothered to ask for the parents' birth certs. considering the many indons here. hmmm...

it was just isn't fun going to work nowadays. my constant fights with popai, my cold war with kasman (who made that face when i was still nice?), vicky's fired, cassandra resigned and zura continued study, it wasn't the same without these people. these people i've grown accustomed with. these people i've known to be fond with. it's hard to start from a again when you're already halfway. *sighs* it is so hard without zura. i'm trying to cope but the only thing that made me cheer up to go to work is him but he only works opening shift and it is almost impossible to see him working closing shift.

speaking of him i think, i'd just leave it to time. not that i don't want to fight but let things settled first. this is so getting serious as tears talked. i'm tired. tired of being the one. tired of feeling helpless. tired of not be able to let go.

please, don't let me go back to that time. don't let me give in. don't let me live THAT life again.

though he may have shunned any other thoughts, deep etched down a name i won't be able to get off, a name so powerful that i acquire my strengths from. kyle......

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


current y! status : sayang Dia, sepenuh hati
thinking of : the last words of lab report
listening to : his cd

err, i think i kinda regretted what i did earlier with THAT message. to think that the crew meet was our last contact before his end-of-month left me with a heavy heart. yesterday and today off day, tomorrow wpr at mahkota then he'd left for the manager's convention at jb for 3 days. it's be another 6 days before i finally get to see him, again. he's stupid la if he couldn't see through this.

play it slow. i think i like how this sounds, me and my stupid boss hahaha. i hated my boss, coz he's such a lousy asshole. but i loved this guy who works as a manager at my place, wahahaha!

up to my report then people. *sobs* i'm missing him already.

Monday, January 24, 2005

a mess..

current y! status : wish upon the stars, beneath the shades of the full moon
thinking of : the unfinished projects

only two things have been in my head this past 10 days. him and my family.

we went out that day. it was a pleasant outing and i may exaggerate this, but i feel comfortable with him. though he may sounded brother-like like what he quoted when he told me the long list of the girls he once dated. this is a guy who knew his way through a woman's heart and is damndest good at it. the girls made a fit of laughter when they jeered me of that he may only think of me as a little sister he never had. LOL. well, girls, at least i've been close with him. having a place at his side.

i've been arguing a lot with him lately. he insisted on burning a song to a cd coz he wanted it so bad. and i was like no, i'm not gonna waste a cd just like that. i told him to get a pen-drive and he agreed in the first place, only to brag the next day about the loads of blank cd's he had to replace the one i burnt for him. after some thinking, i gave in for the case of doing multisession. that way, the cd won't be wasted. i know he had all the money to spend on cd's but think of environment stuff. want one song, burnt one cd. 10 songs? think of the free space. and the pile he had to keep for just 10 songs. his musical taste? gay. ye la kot, orang dah tua. takkan nak dengar LP kot hehe.

we're getting on close in store these days. i don't want it to be that obvious, but he'd just carelessly announcing our closeness indirectly. i don't want to draw the attention. i don't want people hushing about our closeness. coz when you're close with someone as important as him, there'd be only one thing, bodek. i don't want to raise suspicions especially from abang adik. he noticed the way me and him talked to each other and the kind of conversations me and him shared. some utter kind of intimacy. he asked me about that but i just replied nah biasa biasa je. he's still the strict boss and a lousy example too. LOL.

it would be the hottest gossip if ever our outing leaked out. i'd have to stand abang adik's cynical remarks as he's been suspicious. but above all, i'd lose a friend. think vicky. memang putus kawan la kalo dia tau. i went out and close with the one who terminated him. he vowed that he'd make their lives miserable. *sighs* too many people to watch out for. especially since he didn't care if the whole world knew. unless, he regarded me as a sister that's it. no harm done.

now azirah's sister sailed into view. *sheesh* he's been calling azirah, his adik ipar. much to my dismay, hehe. whatever lah. i worked hard to get what i wanted. so it's my rights to decide when to go and when to stay. when to ask and when to answer.

i may have said this before, but i loved my family very much. it is so hard to get back here after a day of raya. once here, i'm afraid to get back coz i don't want to miss them so much. hahaha. dekat2 macam ni pun dah rindu, kalau jauh nanti macamana tah. tu pun berangan nak masuk u jauh-jauh hahaha! it's just i feel so at home, so comfortable and so much love around. not this hell i'm living in here. this little 6x9 feet is my little heaven. where there's only mood to sleep and be happy to sing aloud with no one to care about this tongkang pecah.

been spending last night below the stars and the full moon with zura. i really miss her. and today's shift will be her last before chinese new year. i'm gonna miss this chubby little lady more. she and the other zura complete my world. been talking and grumbling and laughing and giggling all night long from beneath the sky in front of her house to my cozy tongkang pecah and back to her house again. girls, with all my heart, you guys rock and i love us three. hahaha!

my baby turned 3 on the 21st. happy birthday, darling. we love you so much and jangan nakal-nakal. it really was a funny sight as he cried when we sang him happy birthday while cutting his blueberry cake.

a happy birthday to my uncle, ayait on his coming thirties. hehe.

Friday, January 14, 2005

from Him...

current y! status : fading like a white rose
thinking of : the accident

went out with adrian and james last night. i promised adrian a prosperity as he'd been waiting under the sun for 10 minutes that day desperately trying to call me when i was helplessly tired and asleep. so knowing he was doing the mid-month stock counting made me happier.

as we were ordering, he said something about the stuff i asked from him earlier. and adrian made a fuss about this and that as nabil prepared our orders. knowing he was always like that, complaining , i just laughed him off. as i wrestle my way to pay, he said something like where's the manager? this girl wanna pay, jokingly.

to my shock, he coldly said this "hey, you datang sini nak makan, diam-diam eh? jangan nak bising-bising. nak makan, diam-diam." in a warning tone and rude. lucky he didn't reply that back, knowing he'd stand up for himself everytime somebody insulted him. i think he respected the fact that i was with him and that he is my boss.

but then, i kena tahan la dia membebel-bebel about "he didn't know whom i knew in golden arches" i hope he didn't take that seriously. but it was clear that he was very rude. we were customers and he didn't have any rights to say that to us. i was really taken aback. but at the same time, cooling adrian down. if he can respect me, why can't he respect my friends too? i'm thinking of racism here.. hmmm...

then, adrian told me about discrimination he faced almost all the time. people underestimating us, students. yea, we don't pay big bucks but small bucks heaps do make big ones right? doesn't mean we're still young we didn't know about consumer's rights and that customers are always right even when they're wrong, LOL.

he was always like that when he's doing the stock counting. bad mood and that don't-mess-with-me face. but it was a wonder he didn't shout at me. when we were working either mid or end of month, i didn't bother to kacau him or something. buat bodoh je. and i still didn't manage to do what i planned. iskkk... later la but before he transfer to batu pahat. hehe =D

as i was going back home last night, there were so many people at the mitc archway. i was like what the heck? and my roadtax was with my bro and alamak. it was not a roadblock, but an accident. i didn't dare to stop. but it was really frightening. i was thinking it had to be one of my college's students.

i was right when i arrived home, bada told me that it was one of the seniors, died on the spot. remember yesterday's blackout? tnb did some maintenance there. and they didn't put the safety cone as they should coz the place was quite bright.

he was going home after a test and a brief meet with his girlfriend who lives on my block. he always take this back route, near cubic. i always see him riding fast after sending his girl home. he took the right lane where the tnb truck was doing maintenance thingy. he swerved the corner when he couldn't stop and rammed right into the back of the truck.

they said his face was a mess. he must've been speeding and dreaming. coz the lorry was a distance away from the corner and he should've seen it as the place was brightly lit and the emergency signal should've warned him if he was conscious. there were no signs of braking meaning he just went straight ahead just like his poor 125z. he died right on top of his bike.
dah nak kena, orang kata.

i didn't know who's the unfortunate senior until abang am told me just now. innalillahi. i used to mark him as he's cute and had a nicely altered 125z decent face. heard he's a soft-talker too.

alfatihah buat allahyarham abang roshan. dariNya kita datang, kepadaNya kita kembali...

p/s : the somebody adrian knew in golden arches was one of the major shareholders. his sister's close friend. LOL!

Thursday, January 13, 2005


current y! status : kerana aku cinta padamu
thinking of : sleep..sleep..sleep

been getting on good with him lately. gave a compilation to him and he asked for my malay mp3 collection. guy, if it can be done, i'd do it for you without any regret. it's just i'm in the mood to fight everything he said. keje bangkang je cakap dia. sapa lagi yang berani sound direct kat dia?

i'm fond of fazik very very much. himself could bring a smile, even when i'm in a destructive mood. my only buddy, si pisang.

so guys, i need sleep as i hutang my poor body 2 days of rest and sleep. and those bitches made it clear that they're useless, fucken assholes bitches, tak malu dan bodoh. memang stok cibai la. this swearing session is to be continued, sponsored by the herself.

Sunday, January 09, 2005


current y! status : still i will always fight on for you
thinking of : things happen.... for a reason

i was browsing through a friend's list of friends whom is a doctor-to-be, when i noticed the characters of her friends. man, they can crack the earth open with their wacky jokes and funny traits. i guess they needed that to unwind after a tired mind of memorizing errr... modula oblongata's stuffs? this made me thought of this one particular scientific term of scrotum that would make my sister cracks up everytime she wants to tell its story. LOL.

then, i came across another, while i didn't really was that close with her. she was hitched to a guy which said something in her testimonial that touched me. a perfect ramblings of what i wanted in a guy. their relationship was so sweet and heartening looking at the way they gave testimonials to each other. i am happy for them. really.

and i am looking for ehem.. that kind of guy. who never question why am i feeling like this or why do i reacted like that. who gives me space and made me feel protected, not overpowered and have me secured. hmmm, this is so unromantic. no surprises, then. this should be the lines of a guy. *yeech* i'm so becoming a guy these days. yea, i do get tired of being the protective one. but just to prevent myself from getting hurt. that's why people say, i do heal fast after heartbreaks.

remember, the glass is always half full. and there's always this part of you just to give and give and keep giving. though you never get anything in return, the glass will always have the halves. if you understand what i meant. =D

p/s : hers is 28-gonnabe. another girl, 31. me? a mere 30 year old guy. *grins* the older, the better. *muahahaha*

Saturday, January 08, 2005

him, i like!

current y! status : still i will always fight on for you
thinking of : what an evening i've had

spend the entire evening working with him. i love the way he asked me to go for break, which i denied to as it was still early than my usual 7.30somethings.

he had been on floor all evening coz he's the kind of person who helped people. ringan tulang la kot hehe. and all evening i've been nothing but arguing and having petty fights with him. with the constant ingoing customers, we bumped into each other... a LOT. and i even accidentally stepped hard on his foot when i wanted to back from the counter, coz he always had this kind of bad habit of standing behind my back. he made that even when he stepped on mine shortly after. hehehe.

as it had been raining, kesh, fazik, kasman, him and me spent the early morning talking and laughing. yea, four guys and a girl at 1 in the morning. what to do? it was raining badly. i brought up the subject of pins for the second time when he ignored that, again with changing to another subject. i'm not like elindah. i don't bodek people to get what i wanted. i bug people with it, LOL till people get tired of me babbling and gave in to anything i wanted in the first place. and i bug people knowing i deserved or have rights for the stuff. which i am in the first place coz 7 months working, i only have 4 pins. and those were from the reena era, while she was still a STAR.

and i've always commented to what he said mostly. it was just he kept his gaze off me at that time. just occasionally when he thought i wasn't looking whilst i'm fully aware that he's watching. i don't approach people or befriends them without genuine interest. i like them the way they were and i don't know if it's a coincidence or not but i tend to make friends with the ones people hated. why loh?

i got a CD from him, without asking for it. tuh nak tutup mulut aku jangan cite pasal pin lagi la tuh, hehe. sorry la. hak tetap hak. tak kira la ko store manager ke bapak oc ke om ke, aku peduli hape hahaha! and all of the songs are jiwang. esyy, karat gak store manager aku nih.

the plan goes on smoothly when 2 days before i was disappointed ida didn't get my name up to work last night. but luck was on my side as abang aznoor went mc. we're getting closer and i think, i'm the only i yang tak kisah sangat dengan dia provided he didn't put up that fucked up don't-mess-with-me face and zura's not there. kalo tak, memang mampus aku kene pangkah dengan dia. hahaha. i respected the way he does his job though he could be a bit lenient with wasted products after closing.

just a little bit more and what zura predicted may just come true. one step at a time... one 2 step.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

be it

current y! status : i've waited all my life to cross this line
thinking of : the warm and plush mattres. iskk...

went out with faziq yesterday. picked him up at his house which is two houses away from his house. but as he is safely working, i didn't really mind. and faziq's mother remark did have an impact on me. segann siottt.

it was just, *sighs* he's nice to be with. but maybe not boyfriend material. call me high-taste, demanding which i proudly AM, *muahahaha* somehow, he's pure. i don't want to be the one who tainted him with bad stuffs and marks. heh? i've heard that sentence before.

i'm fond of him, the way he made me smile and laugh but just that. he's more of a good friend stuff. zura accused me of being so picky. and even THAT friend of mine. i don't wanna go and hurt people. if i said that's it, no more of it. i don't go breaking people's heart or making false promises and break them. you won't know if you don't try, but i have the knack of knowing that things won't be right even if i tried. it wasn't meant to be.

or maybe it was his closeness with him that thought me over.

a friend of mine is experiencing some problems to contain himself from screaming and punching something. if you think, it would do you good, go for it. but please, anything you do, i don't wanna go and fish your body out of some abandoned lombong okay?

with these days happenings, i felt bad. but life has to rock on, babe.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

some things just never change

current y! status : the spookiest thing when you stayed alone
thinking of : what really happened last night?

i was cleaning the lobby last night when he crossed my mind. the wave of sadness swept over me of a sudden. but i continued doing my job.

left the store close to 1 am. and i cried right after settling down on my bed. he thought about me when i was thinking of him. and that made me sadder. and things happen between us that made me wanted to scream. the more i hated him, the more i'm hurting. what's happening to me?

i wished you feel this pain
i wished you thrive on this agony
blessed by my feelings for you

lucky there's faziq and my significant other to brighten up my days. if my significant other ever fucked me up again, i don't know how.

he knew he had this kind of effect on me. he knew the right times to push the right buttons. he knew when i needed him. hmmm... too much details.

i thought of this while i was on the way to work

sayang sayang abang
abang cakap abang sayang sayang
jadi sayang kene ikut cakap abang
bukan apa, abang kata
persediaan kalau kita kahwin nanti

abang tak kasi sayang kawan dengan lelaki lain
sayang ikut
apatah lagi keluar berdua
dengan abang je boleh

abang tak kasi simpan nombor telefon lelaki
walaupun mamak jual roti canai punya
sayang angguk
abang suruh sayang masak
sayang cakap tak reti
abang suruh jugak
balun je la megi sayang rebus

abang nak pegang tangan sayang
sayang tak kasi
abang merajuk cakap sayang tak sayang abang
sayang kalah bagi tangan
abang genggam, suka

naik motor berdua
sayang duduk jauh-jauh
abang bising cakap motor tak stabil
bila duduk dekat
abang tarik tangan sayang
peluklah, abang sejuk
sayang peluk abang
sebab kesian abang sejuk menggigil-gigil
tapi lepas tu abang yang sedap
hangat je
sayang pulak terkebil-kebil
tak selesa
tak pe la. sayang sayang abang

apa abang nak
sayang iyakan
semua abang suruh
sayang buat
sebab sayang sayang abang

abang janji abang nak kahwin dengan sayang seorang je
sebab abang sayang sayang
sayang pun sayang abang.

<adegan sayang menyayang hahaha>

dedicated to the 2 bitches. aku tepuk tangan kalo boyfriend korang tinggalkan korang. buat la ape diorang suruh. kata nak jadi girlfriend mithali kan? jasa mak bapak tak terbalas lagi dah nak buat macam-macam untuk boyfriend korang. cakapla aku jealous sebab aku takde boyfriend. pegi la mati. kalo aku ade pun, aku bukan bodoh diperkotak-katikkan macam korang. nak suruh itu ini, aku demand ijab dan qabul dulu ye?

zura's leaving for her poly. iskk, i'm gonna miss her. it's been very nice 6months. :D

Sunday, January 02, 2005

just a thought

current y! status : sedetik masa berlalu, selangkah menuju maut
thinking of : projects.

tsunami hit caused by earthquakes of gigantic plates movements.
acheh was badly affected. (acheh is full of alim ulamas)

us invasion of iraq (hidden agenda of oil monopoly). other terms : controlling the black gold of furat

snow falls in arab. read thenews

more and more rages of mother nature.

didn't the above sounded very familiar? of the warnings of His for Judgement Day? and think of this year's Eidul Adha. ZulHijjah 10th, on a Friday.

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

a new year

current y! status : i miss you. :(
thinking of : my still wet uniform, aiyo

it is a new day in a brand new year. i have dreams and hopes to be achieved this year. plainly speaking, have to work that extra hard mile for living and surviving.

i'll be graduating this march. if my upu applications were successful, i'd be somewhere but here.

come to think of the previous year. a horrifying year. so disastrous and hurting. the backstabbing by the bitches. but there's always moments of 2004 to cherish.

i ended 2004 with doing a major decision. i was thinking that whether i've said the right things and whether i was doing the right thing at all. for two of the people i've known, one of them is my bestest friend. keeping secrets between friends are not good especially when he/she is in the edge of finding out the secrets. i'm glad i didn't have to. so, to you two, hope you will work this out. so my effort won't be wasted, hehe. and for you, girl, i'd give anything to see that blissful look on your face again. considering what we've been through.

and i will always remember the very last hours. the whole place was buzzing with activities and full of customers who expected some fireworks at dataran. i was very busy attending to the orders. and he helped me with them. eh of course he helped me coz he's not in that good terms with zura. LOL. and when will i dared to ask him that big question? hmmm, new year, new prospects, haha.

i'm starting the college's hols. have so much work to settle, considering this will be my only chance to finish my projects.

have to do gapbuster's stuff next week. really looking forward to it. aiyo, i badly need a printer and a scanner now.

so for you people, wishing you a very prosperous new year (taking mcD's tag of the new prosperity burger. haha!)