Wednesday, September 13, 2006

slight turn...

mid term break already finished. spent it all with working. everyday like that. and it gets me that i couldn't get my job to finish on time.

oh, by the way i drove my sister back to kl last sunday. it was an unplanned journey as i didn't know my parents would be stuck somewhere else. so, lacking of sleep the night before, we started at 9am. got back here at 4.30pm and went straight to work. and drive-thru customers were non-stop for the next 5hours. i almost wanted to scream.

the fatigue really gets me that i took long naps in the afternoons after class and went through sleepless nights. i guessed i turned my biological clock haywire.

an is getting married in 3months. and most of my friends are all in serious relationships. all the planning into marriages, hehe. i guess though it kinda bugged me, i am thankful that i am single. the freedom is beyond words.

a friend once said, "you might not feel lonely until one day you realized your friends are busy with their partners and kids, and little did they have time to squeeze you into their lives"

true true. i felt that i am getting really old and grumpy. i don't find fun in things i liked to do. and that is quite a disaster. 22 and don't have anything to live up to, unless i lived only to 30. hehe.

i used to be so sure of myself and didn't let whatever stop me from doing what i wanted to do. the horror came, in the package of me losing grip. i don't want this. i don't need me scrutinizing myself when everybody else wasn't supportive. i thought i had a solid wall against the talks that might bring me down. guess i had to build a stronger me inside.

this is me, getting to the age of adult and leaving teenage years behind. the process of evolving into an adult? i'd rather call this a depression towards bigger responsibilities.

this grumpy idiot needs a break.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

an outtake

it's midterm break, people. and i'm lazing around like nothing else matters. which somehow made sense considering the sleepless nights trying to cram everything into my big head.

so, i don't update. these days there weren't many things to write about and somehow i just lost touch of the idea flow. writers do get that sometimes. as for my case, all the time.

the recent malaysian film festival saw gubra took the best film award and its actress, sharifah amani won the best actress. she made a comment which sounded more or less like this,

"i think it would sound stupid if i speak malay" and

"if a good film dikatakan mencemar budaya let's do it more often".

it was the first sentence that caught my attention, not because of some thought it was downright rude. i didn't have anything to say against amani (except that she's young, feisty but able to portray orked beyond her years). just that i used to make that same statement years before (and still feel it too).

blame me, but somehow i feel comfortable to express myself in english. just like what i'm doing right now. i feel free to flow my ideas when it's english. but it became real hard (and sometimes a bit queer) to do the same to malay. i'm trying to polish my foreign language and localize it with lahs and mas. blame me (again). but i tried to at least make sure my grammar is correct at least to my standards, which i failed to do with my malay, completely.

just now, there were 2 malay girls speaking to each other in english at the front counter and a colleague made fun of them "you two sounded stupid when you speak in english"

i flushed and said nothing. it brought back the memories of high-school. we'd play this game of speak only english for every period before recess except maths. it was funny when we tried hard to talk in english and end up wrong. it was fun nonetheless until other peers found out about it. they jeered and made fun of our attempts. we stopped the game completely and forgot about it. till then, i realized to learn english, i must find other ways and people to learn it with. not some jeering jealous kampung people. i am proud to be a kampung girl but that doesn't mean i am 10 years behind like some people's perceptions towards me (which i don't give a damn).

now, i can speak almost as good as i can write. and i was lucky i didn't let what people say pull me down from what i'm doing. so, as i feel free to write in english, it may be a while before i start to write in malay. as for amani's case, she was just being honest and at least she talked in a language she knows she can handle better than some people who claimed to be malay, yet speaks in rojak malay. me? i'm happy i have flat nose and malay features but also, i can speak english. that's what matters.

i was supposed to be with aN on friday, as yesterday was her engagement ceremony. but my poor black maria got loaded with water the night before i left. so, i had to settle it and there goes 12bucks (byebye) on tickets and loads more to flush the water out of its engines huhu.

to aN: congratz on your engagement. i 'm sorry i couldn't make it. i promise i'd go to your wedding if you'd invite me then hehe.

after the ceremony i planned to go to kl to meet some friends. as i won't be going to temerloh, i planned to go to kl today. until zura called it off as she actually had to work closing. *sighs* guess i'd be spending the hols with working, then. no fancy trips to anywhere.

i'm in love people. or not. i'm yet to discover or decide.