Kecil hati

To tell the truth, i didn't remember you didn't wish me for my birthday this year on that day itself. I got wishes from my family and close friends, and i was happy with that.

Then you wished me a belated one. Two days later. You know what i felt? Surge of anger that came out of nowhere.

You never failed to wish me, every single year. And when you missed this year, sighs.

Yes, you had reasons that made me go, you know what, forget it. Maybe it is time to reassess my expectations.

This time, i don't deserve a timely birthday wish. And as much as it saddens me, it is the harsh reality i have to live with since you have other important priorities.

posted from Bloggeroid

Ini aku

Saat ku tulis ini, laju air mata mengalir. Sedaya upaya aku tahan.

Tapi mungkin perasaan meluap sudah tidak mampu ditanggung.

Menangislah. Biar teduh sendu perangkap jiwa.

Hati, usah peduli. Kelak terbakar diri sendiri.

Sayangkan kamu, rindu dendam penuh di jiwa. Kasih yang satu, tegar jangan kecewa.

posted from Bloggeroid

Death and loss

It is indeed a sad week.

Will update the chronological event soon.

Allahyarham my dad,
5th June 1954 - 5th December 2011

posted from Bloggeroid

joy and sorrow

it has been a long time since we last met.

i had fun.

i laughed like nobody's business.

and it kills me.

it kills me coz i have forgotten how it was.

i have forgotten how you are.

i have forgotten how easy it was for me to just fall. again.

i have forgotten how it feels.

i forgot.

but it is all coming back to me now like a huge tidal wave crashing over my body.

please. i beg.

posted from Bloggeroid

indescribable

at times like this, i wish i can paint or draw. coz words have to make sense. i can't write asdkjvdhct and expect people to understand. but i don't wanna be understood. i just want to let things out.

maybe i shall buy that big box of crayon i have been eyeing for a long time.

p/s: i love this camwhore pic of me. i didn't have a choice as i travel alone lest trust people with my valuables. coz i have those ray of light that just made my face sparkly. lol.

posted from Bloggeroid

lonely loner

i am just sad.

please.


la tahzan.

posted from Bloggeroid

segalanya mungkin

segala perasaan yang datang adalah hak milikNya. aku sungguh bersyukur dikurniakan perasaan yang membuatkan aku rasa hidup. marah, sedih, kecewa, sayang, cinta dan benci, semuanya datang dari Dia.

selama dibenarkan bernafas dan menjalankan amanah dan tanggungjawab, pertama kali dikurniakan rasa sebegini suci, yang begitu tulus. takdir telah tertulis, ia hanya untuk orang yang paling berhak setelah akad dilafazkan.

mungkin belum ketemu orang itu. mungkin yang paling molek belum hadir. mungkin sahaja pembimbing dan teman seluruh hidup masih belum bersedia. motivasi diri sendiri untuk terus memperbaiki diri. agar setanding dan mampu berganding bersama di kemudian hari.

lalu doaku hari ini untuk diriku dan untukmu,

moga kita diberikan peluang. moga kita berjumpa satu hari kelak dan diizinkan menghabiskan sisa usia kita bersama-sama. moga kamu memerlukan aku sepertimana aku perlu kamu. moga kamu dan aku saling melengkapi. moga kita diberkati selalu.

moga kamu gembira. aku juga gembira sekarang, kerana aku tahu aku pasti akan jumpa kamu nanti. pasti!

Let y0u g0.

Let. Go.

take a bow

i am writing this in a solemn mood. i haven't been able to put this out with words, but i finally do.

i might not be able to spin this out like a storyteller, and some things are better kept private, coz even though it hurts, it's still precious, coz it made me who i am today.

believe that every obstacle and the hardship are always to make us stronger. i have always believed in that. but the recent happenings made me believed in that even more.

i have always been a free-spirit, but practical. i flirt all the time, but it was always innocent, so people don't notice much. i don't waste time thinking about the nitty-gritty. i take the plunge, see if it's worth it and dive. if it's not, i get out as fast as i can. simple.

it worked all this while. when i thought about it again, i was downright cruel. yes, it worked for me, my side. i didn't give the other party a single thought, at all. i thought it was for the best. most of the time, i squeezed free, unscathed.

so, this time around, i put my guards down, get hurt in that process, and start all over again. i can be like an angel when i am nice, but i can hurt you like the devil if i am being cold and mean. so much that i wanted no heart feelings, but the logic here is, i go my own way. you want to come along, fine. but i won't take you or treat you nice. being nice period is over and your sorry doesn't mean anything, anymore.

wow, i sound so angry. well, that's after a time of enlightenment after so long being in a state of confusion. any kind of ship baffled me. i just don't get it. or maybe i haven't taken the time to have fun with it.

so, i'm taking a bow. i am not sorry your decisions made me go through all of this, i learned so much and become stronger than i thought. you are just one pathetic idiot who is not worth my time.

rasa em0

dah lebih dari 2 kali tersedar pepagi buta camni dan rasa tak best. yang buat lagi kelakar, sebab yang sama.




moga dibukakan hati, diberi petunjuk dan dijauhkan dari perasaan was was. hanya padaMu aku berserah dan meminta pertolongan.

wheel of activities

i just got back from another kerja gila. i think this was the craziest of them all since it involves 7 hour bus rides. kerja turun naik bas je. T__T

it is going to be a very busy july. just like last year. my weekends are fully booked. till i wonder when can i have a little bit of time with myself.

as of now, i am feeling emo. i am hating something so much, that all i can do about it is sulk. trying my best to forget about it, but having a very hard time. aih.

i think it is time for me to change environment. new opportunities, maybe. we'll see how things go, then.

i am physically drained and mentally tired. so, that's the pretty much the things i am able to write. kthxbai!

tranquille

spending time with loved ones is always a balm for the heart. nothing can beat that.

on another note, my planner is getting more messed up than ever, which means that i have to be booked 6 months ahead! i am that busy.

so, if you're getting married in 6 months, it is already a good time to invite me. for next year, i'm already booked for february, august (if my good friend finally found her other half and that her wali will be back during this month, else i'll still have to keep this month free or she'd kill me for not attending her wedding, haha!), and october (my friend already threatened me with a lot of things if i missed the wedding, so i booked the whole month for it. hehe. )

yep, i still need to get rid of a lot of things. so, currently finding the right places for them. i need to start back on my postcard project.

i will write more soon. toodles~~

perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik

aku rajin plak surfing skang ni, cari good read. ntah camne aku leh jumpa mende ni, tubelawak, banyak video lawak sebenarnya. pastu jumpa huraian pasal ni. aku rase interesting.

so, kesimpulannya kalo ko keje pegi clubbing, mestila ko akan end up dengan orang yang pegi clubbing gak. unless tetiba ko insaf dan pegi masjid untuk solat terserempak dengan imam muda yang ensem yang sudi nak jadikan ko bini.

memang jodoh itu di tangan Tuhan, tapi kalo ko end up dengan orang yang jahat, dah jadi tanggungjawab ko untuk tarik dia ke arah kebaikan. segala apa yang kita buat ada akibat, so tepuk dada tanya iman.

ok, dah start merepek, gi bace ye. =)

klik sini

something to ponder upon

while i was browsing around to kill time read something, i came upon this thoughtful read from one of the blogs that i follow.

it gave a new perspective to marriage, like a fresh breath after colgate, haha.

dedicated to all of my single friends, we rock!

so, please click on the link and read it, especially the girl who made me stay up late, watched call-girls and overdosing on java chips at pavillion. :P

insecurities

last week had been a very taxing one. i had to deal with a very bad hangover, and i didn't even consume alcohol for that matter, lol. but a night of ODing on java chips really took its toll on me. 3 days were enough to turn me into a restless being. geez, i didn't know caffeine and sugar could make me have the worst hangover, ever. T_T

on the other hand, i started to deal with a lot of things at the same time. work-related, life-related. somehow, i tend to view a lot of things differently. not entirely new, but something worth to ponder on.

i might not reveal all that happened here, i would have wanted to, if i have the right words and courage, which i don't at the moment. coz it would involve telling every detail, which i'm not comfortable with for now as i need to sort things out, which one's important, which one's not. ok, enough with this debate telling and not telling crap. been having that since day 1, duh. i'll tell when i felt like it. considering the way things are going, it might be sooner than i thought.

surprising myself, i guess.

guide to a better life

taken from here who took it from someplace else. =)

Personality

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment

3. Don't over do, keep your limits

4. Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does

5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip

6. Dream more while you are awake

7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..

8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present

11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you

12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

13. Smile and laugh more

14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


Community

15. Call your family often

16. Each day give something good to others

17. Forgive everyone for everything

18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6

19. Try to make at least three people smile each day

20. What other people think of you is none of your business

21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.


Life

22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do. This is our priority in life

23. GOD heals everything

24. Do the right things

25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up

27. The best is yet to come

28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful

29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it

30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.

funny strip

this strip made my day, considering that i am an avid flyer and dreamt of sitting beside the pilot / in the cockpit.

have a nice day everyone. can't wait for my next flyaway!

quote of the day

i am the girl

that everybody likes

but

nobody wants.

so, the quest begins to search for my nobody. =)

On t0p of the world!

Nuff said.

my precious

i was telling my bff about the things i've been going through these past few months. being my usual bubbly and comical self, telling serious stuffs jokingly. when i finished talking with that casual smirk, my bff cupped my face in both hands and told me this,

" i love you so much. "

if it was done by a guy i liked, i would've gone to cloud 9. how sweet that would be.

but my bff is a girl, someone i treasured so much. we've been through the good and the bad times, together, through our lowest and highest. when she told me that, i felt euphoric and blissfully happy. that it doesn't matter if the world turn against me, as long as i have her and people who matters with me.

and i might not be my usual self these days, i think i am more annoying, but now i realized that these people love me. that i might not stop and thought about it, but now as i do, i am going to appreciate life more.

as i have these people to live for. look around, love is waiting. it might not be from the person you hoped for, but look harder, it might be closer than you think.

on being ruthless

once he asked me, would i go out with him if he's thinner? i told him i would give it a thought, if he loses his boroiness.

so, a few months after that question, he asked me when are we going out, as i was about to leave the table full of his friends. i blurted blatantly,

" you tak kurus lagi. "

to a table full of laughter. oh my, i felt bad after that, hahahaha.

it's not that i'm making physical outlook (read: body size) a priority like i did on spoken english or tallness, but it's just a matter or preference. like between coffee or tea.

the funny thing is, i used to tell one of the many scandals this:

" kalo you kurus, i tinggalkan you. serius. "

which left him dumb-founded. whoever heard of thin people getting dumped, he said. i answered him with this,

" kurus tak sedap peluk. "

i still guffaw whenever i thought about this.

ok, now you know what my preferences are of the other gender. i blame those mangas and mills&booon. hehe.

something nice

this is actually the satellite view of GMI student hostel in bangi. i was astounded. it is actually oval. i was complaining when the road was veering to corners while driving there, but it is exactly a geometric / architectural beauty. perfect.

bila hati tiada

when you don't have the heart,

even the things that you love the most will take a ginormous effort to be done.

i miss my cookie monster. :( no, he's just one of those people i appreciated, not my significant other. i am still looking, hehehe. :P

and yes, i don't have the heart to write now. it takes too much effort plus i still need that pensieve to sort the thoughts out.

i will write proper, soon. i hope. =)

the years :)

he had this on his ym status:

i am 27 this year but still not driving a scirocco.

i retorted by replying him this:

i am 27 this year but driving a car as old as i am.

hahaha.

on the other hand, i got this cute email from y!

Dear Eine,
Thank you for being a Yahoo! Mail user for the past 9 years.

wow! it has been that long since i started using the dork at the core nick for my email. i have a few mail id prior to that but i guess this one stuck, considering the previous ones were pretty much cheesy and too girly. lol. come to think of it, the nick is as old as izzul.

here's more to the years to come. =)

oh the irony

i was naive.

and i broke hearts.

now that i am mature,

i get my heart broken. bad.

it is the same scene,

playing over and over again.

painful encounters

i hate it when i woke up startled in the middle of the night, thinking about something i shouldn't be thinking about.

now i couldn't sleep back.

screw you!

invasion

i hate it when my thoughts are invaded.

by thoughts that are so unnecessary.

coz it made me wanted to puke.

at times, my head was reeling so fast i wish i could just scream to it to shut up and stop.

but, if it really stops and shuts up, i won't have my endless imagination.

imagination so beautiful that it creates optimism.

from then comes hope.

and that kept me going.

for i have so many reasons to live for.

including you.

yea, you, who is reading this.

for someone to be here and read my nonsensical crap, must've been something.

thank you.

and then i don't feel so bad afterall.

smile and be happy, that's the least you can do for yourself =D

kegedikan terhadap aksen

i called to enquire about the services that the place provides:

me: hello. um, company x?

male voice, let's call him k: (corrected me and answered) yea (in a heavy drawl)

me: say, um. (i was stuttering because i forgot the exact service that i wanted to ask) blablabla.

k: oh, i wasn't aware of that. yea, i guess you could.

me: ok, that's good then.

k: which service you're referring to? coz i have 2 companies.

me: uh? (like i care if you have 2 companies, duh) this and that, i couldn't really remember.

k: ah, that must be it. friday?

me: no, saturday.

k: yea, i guess you can come then, on that day. may i know your name, please?

me: it's eine.

k: oh, so you're malay. i'm malay too.

me: you don't sound like one. do i sound like one?

k: in the beginning, yea.

me: LOL.


this guy drove me nuts with his pronunciation of saturday. but he sounds cute with the accent. LOL.

girlfriends, let's meet k! mode gedik ON. :P

my favourite nomad

Me: i just asked someone a really dumb question
him: what was that?
Me: i asked her: " which year were you born? " " 1985 ",
Me: " single? "
him: rofl
Me: like omg, of all questions, i should blurt that question out
him: r u thinking of switching sides.....rofl
him: rofl
him: rofl
him: rofl
him: rofl
Me: sila guling atas lantai skang
Me: hahahaha
him: rofl
him: What were u thinking??
Me: i wasn't thinking, lol
Me: it just came out
him: rofl
him: no harm done right???? rofl
Me: i got that quizzical look and raised eyebrow
him: rofl
him: U've defined the term "WHAT A DAY!!!"
him: rofl
Me: so much for trying to do something good
Me: hahaha
him: lol
him: Now what good did that bring???? rofl
Me: at least i made you laugh, at the cost of making the fool out of myself
Me: rofl
him: Yeah... Coming from u...... it's priceless rofl
Me: thank you, that made my day brighter hahahaha
him: lol

sensible yap

i travel with sole-intention of take-off and touchdown on the metal bird. LOL. ok kidding. i go travelling to see the world, experience the culture, admire the landmarks and architecture yadayada.

but the one that intrigued me the most is the culture. how the people of the nation behave, towards foreigners, the way they drive or queue for the public transport. these kind of things never cease to amaze me.

at times, there are a lot of things that my fellow citizens can learn from them. especially those little things we call courtesy or learning how to line-up to catch the bus.

the viets are stubbornly loyal to their mother-tongue of which i found it hard to move around and ask directions from the locals since most of them don't speak english despite the nation's capital being infested with amerikans. they are also very proud of their heritage as each of the shops' name starts with viet this or viet that. and with these loyalty and determination, they shooed away the amerikans during the war. i dunno whether it was a blessing in disguise or not, but the war destroyed all crocodiles in the mekong river coz of agent orange.

our northern neighbour left me with a lot to ponder. the roads are spacious and in very good condition. no holes whatsoever. you are ensured of a smooth ride even when you're in behind a hundred-year old truck. their internet speed is super-fast, that even when you're wifi-ing, you don't feel the lag at all. proven by my friend's uninterrupted fast picture upload. they are also close to worshipping their king. his picture is almost everywhere. i mean, what's not to respect when your king is one of the best biologists in the country who plants paddy species in the royal courtyard?

while our southern neighbour is very disciplined, their kiasu-ness is epic! everything is so organized and clean that you can't help feeling that you are a robot. programmed to do exactly this and not that. but the winner is definitely the govt-sponsored dating services. first, you're being paid to have babies and now to go on a date? i rest my case. though the local girls look fashionable and dolled-up, i still like the girls in my country, definitely prettier! like a local comedian used to joke about; yes, it was nice when the cabs are punctual, but after a while, it gets boring since it's predictable. true enough.

the garuda land, it is the poverty that tugged at my heart. they do all kinds of jobs, even dangerous ones like stopping speeding cars to make way for other cars. and the pay is meagre depending on the tips. all for the sake of money. the place is also full of demonstrations. and weirdly-shaped buildings. one thing is for sure. no matter their ethnicity, they stand unified as one nation. oh, bandung girls are pretty! LOL.

so, in the wake of the upcoming by-elections, i'm just pondering over the fact that if our neighbouring nations can, why my nation's men can't stand united as one, crossing race, religion and political beliefs boundaries?

darah sama merah.

jika nyawa terkorban, masih disebut manusia.

bukan parti politik mana.

dasar pilih bulu dan sekutu.

saya, islam dahulu!

on a sunday

my entries these days have been mainly about the people i treasured and the conversations i had with them. the point is to keep it here so that on one fine day when life has dealt me a wicked blow, i'd be able to track down and read these beautiful musings and laughs at them the same.

i've wanted to write something that i truly felt, stripping down to the basics, like a bare-it-all session, but i guess even my future self needed to be spared that. less is always more. =)

so to quote what i said to a fren on her blog when she posted an article of not trying too hard to find the perfect one;

you felt that the person is perfect for you, but does he/she felt that you're perfect for him/her?

i'm surrounded by so much love that i am so thankful to the Almighty for this blessing, every single day. just remember for every person who hates you, there will be 10 more person who love you. but it can go vice versa too, LOL.

enjoying life at its best. day. after day. <3

balm for the heart

him: you're the one experiencing all of that. so, it's up to you, nak tergolek ke, nak jatuh ke, nak jerit kuat-kuat ke, nak lompat-lompat ke.

me: nak terjun bangunan bleh?

him: jangan. kawin dulu.

me: what the? HAHAHAHAHA!


love you, bad!

unpretentious

him: nice right. ryan. hearts

me: that's so gay. coming from you. ROFL.

him: lol

me: not busy eh today?

him: not so. why?

me: coz you have time to heart ryan gosling to me. hahaahaha

him: coz he deserves the attention

me: he is he is. from me.

him: eyebrows goes up and down. hot stuff hot stuff

me: and i wonder how many times you'll go watch CSL. hehehe

him: hehe 1 time. maybe

me: i remember you watched L&OD 4 times, coz JG's butt

him: mwahahaha. what movie to watch this month eh?

me: maybe you should watch limitless. BC's in it. unless you wanna watch bieber. hahahaha

him: i watch already, 2 time :P

me: OMG.


one of the most unpretentious guy i know. one of the rare ones who embrace his sexuality openly. and a metro at that too. = )

tak tahu kenapa

Dikala luka terlalu dalam Sungguhpun masih tak terpadam Hingga terkadang aku berdendam Kau tetap setia Walau jauh berlari Walau jenuh ku mencari Tetap sungguh kau kemari Tanpa jemu dan benci Biar ku telan tangismu Biar ku simpan resahmu Meski kau bukan milikku Teguhkan dihatiku Percayalah.. Kau Inderaloka.. Kan ku susuri Bahagia mu teman di taman ini.. tetiba rase lagu ni sangat relevan. =)

honesty

me: i might be flirting like all the time, but i don't get into relationships that easily, i break hearts along the way.

him: will you break mine?

me: eh? is there more parts of your heart to be broken?

him: *sits in one corner and sulks*

me: rofl!


good friends are beyond words. life is too precious to be spent to be thinking of that one person who doesn't appreciate you.

it is definitely worthwhile to be with those who'll stick with you through fat and thin. and most importantly, the people who love you, the way you are, no matter how annoying and obnoxious you may be.

this entry is dedicated to my ensem bois (you get the credit for putting up with me, :P ), my phat girlfriends ( for entertaining my gastronomic quests and for being the best things in my life ), and my beautiful family for being the reason of my sanity.

love you guys to death. with all the love in the world. *mwahx*

musings

on a slow boring day:

him: to you, boys come and go?

me: frankly speaking, i have too many bois in my life to miss those who left. yes, i may sound like berlagak, but those who stayed are my sworn friends for life.

him: suddenly i felt like a tiny dot in the far far corner of the big picture.

me: be thankful that you're at least in the picture. LOL.

him: that's true to some extent. hahaha.


i am a serial flirt. i am a sworn heartbreaker. i guess it's in me all along. but i'm not cheap. i know what i want, and i work for what i want, and i make sure i get what i want. it's just the problem of figuring if what i want is really what i need. like those comfortable deliciously, heartbreakingly expensive hush pups shoes.

jake, i need my edward dose. soon enough, babe.

reminiscence

my takes on some of life's issues surprise me sometimes. i mean being 16 (ecehhh) but have to deal with a lot of decisions and mature stuffs really are something that i don't look forward to, it sounded so adult.

i don't remember what happened when i was 16, there must be some major event happened that made me stuck at 16 forever. wondering if this is the case of the lost youth. i seem to miss those youthfulness.

of going to school.
of doing homework.
of enjoying life, with friends without worrying about bills to pay.

i sacrificed my weekends, my youthfulness, for money.

even now, i'm slaving away for money.

it made sense that i like working hard for money. though i'd want to be a soccermom some day, it gives me great satisfaction that i am able to buy the things i want with the money i worked so hard for, even though it was not immediate.

i am so messed up. but i know that reading His love letters will soothe me. i seek His guidance and blessings. :)

perks

a conversation on a weekend night;

him: tak layan af ke?

me: kalo af tu makanan, atau nama pendek seorang lelaki yg ensem, mesti i layan tanpa was was.

him: lol!

seriously, i miss my bois, dearly. cepatla cuti sem.

most elitegible bachelor

i bought the cl3o magazine this month because of the delicious hunks. including shah3izy sam, hehe.

i was browsing the aisle for my weekly calcium dose when bsb's i want it th4t way came on air.

i instinctively was bobbing my head left and right, and unconsciously tapping my feet as well as silently singing, when suddenly:

" eh, akak suke lagu ni, siap menari-nari lagi "

i was blushing beetroot and giggling excessively. hahahaha, i never thought people'd notice AND spoke aloud.

they were the staffs there. and finally,

" ala, dah habis la kak. datang lagi esok ye. esok konfem ade lagi lagu ni "

i was laughing by then and walked away. malu wey.

speaking of bachelor, i'm dreaming of all sorts of guys. terasa gila, but hey, it's not wrong having a diminutive imagination, well, a bit on the wild side. like having tall and handsome in one person is quite rare, if you get what i mean. :P

Solitude

Lo0king forward to view this with y0u.

Together.

Future significant other.

Wherever y0u are n0w.

We'll meet s0meday.

weird twists

fate is a mystery. that watching it unravel is one of life's little pleasures.

all that we can do is tawakkal, and pray for the best, that the decision we made will be blessed and that fate will be very nice to us.

for His most precious gift to us - our mind, alongside with His guidance and iman, will be one tough sword and shield, come what may.

karma will get to you, whether you want it or not, whether you like it or not. since life is simple. treat people the way you want to be treated. seek His blessings for there are countless.

love while you can. care while you're able to.

with all your heart and soul.

since fate can be changed. when you want it with all your heart and work it.

for He is the one Who Listens.

ya Rabb, may You grant me the strength to get over this disappointment.

Betrayal

Betrayal is never pretty.

Grateful that i'm n0t living a lie.

Que sera sera.

P/s: fo0d ab0ve d0esn't betray. Which is go0d. :-P

dedication

was in love.

still am.

always will be.


let fate fare you better.

confused

i am trying to find the common ground. so many people have taken me for emotional rides till i get no sense of direction of where i'm heading.

one told me that.

another told me this.

i know they all meant well, but at some point, i just wanna be heard. i know The Almighty will hear me always.

i am grateful for all the encouragement. but hearing what i said on the same occasion is somehow queer. not soothing, but weird in some scale.

o't0wn used to sing

" coz i want it all or nothing at all.
You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair "

yes, maybe i'll fight on. when all this insanity cools down.

depression

please excuse the depressed entries that will be coming most of the time. i am currently trying to recover from something nasty that needs a lot of attention and will involve a lot of sadness, moodiness, some stupidity and a lot of cold-hearted writings.

if you're looking for some light-hearted read, kindly leave. this is not the place, not here, not now.

now, maybe we shall start on some of the real depressing stuffs.

objective

she said:

even when you don't like the same things, even when you are so different, at least you must have the same objective of where you're going. then only you can plan or do things around trying to achieve that objective.

she's right. there is no point of being so alike that even a simple objective is not set and achievable.

starting back from scratch is such a chore. that was why i didn't bother to start in the first place.

trust

it's not easy to put trust in anyone. in fact, in my opinion, it has to be earned. whether someone is worth to be bestowed this in the first place.

but in your case, i trusted you completely, without a single doubt. coz i know you're someone that can be trusted with life.

the only problem is, i don't trust myself.

fact to live by

i know you might have reasons for all that you did. so, be it.


it is painful when the one you love doesn't love you,

but it is a different thing when the one you love doesn't love you anymore.

doubts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVnvikQpEig&feature=related

What do you do when you're stuck,
Because the one that you love,
Has pushed you away,
And you can't deal with the pain,
And now you're trying to fix me,
Mend what he did,
I'll find the piece that i'm missing,
But I still miss him,
I miss him, i'm missing him,
Oh I miss him, I miss him i'm missng him

And you're sitting in the front row,
Wanna be first in line,
Sitting by my window,
Giving me all your time,
You could be my hero,
If only I could let go,
But his love has still hit me,
Like a broken arrow.
Like a broken arrow.

He's the thorn in my flesh
That I can't take out
He's stealing my breath
When you're around,
And now you're trying to convince me,
He wasn't worth it,
But you can't complete me,
It's the thought that he's missing,

I miss him, I'm missing him,
Oh I miss him I miss him, i'm missing him,

What do you do
When your heart's in two places?
You feel great but you're torn inside.
You feel love but you just can't embrace it,
When you found the right one at the wrong time.

pixi3 lott - broken arrow

on the lookout

i thought i would never have to look again. but how wrong i was. i am again on the look out. :)

time

he told me this:

" i don't regret that it ended. i regret the precious time. "

indeed.

i used to be in that position too, where the ending was he married someone else. but the fact that we never really hit it off kinda saved me as we're still very good friends. i was in a special kind of a relationship with him for so long that i forgot how it was without him. i am so proud to say that what i am today is his grooming (the sarcastic trait included!). talk about peer pressure and influence, lol. i don't regret the time since it matures me, it made me feel safe to make choices, to have my own sweet time to choose, and most importantly, it made me grow, to open up, be hurt again and again, only to rise stronger everytime. i can never repay you enough for all the hurts and pain i've caused you, but at least i know you're proud of the way i turned out to be, your protege, kahkahkah. his quote, rephrased by lifeh0use:

" i tried my best to be guarded, i'm an open book instead. "

well-said. hahahaha!

on another note, i listened to this argument on the radio;

" how long do you think will someone be ready for a new relationship after a breakup? "

there were quite a bunch of responses but this one was funny and calculative even:

" for each number of year spent in the relationship times by 3 months. so, if you're in a relationship for 2 years, you shall be ready to hop on the dating game again in 6 months "

LOLOL.

it is true that it depends on the person itself. as for me, life must go on. at one point, i stopped caring and just don't give a damn. love comes knocking anytime it pleases. so, it rather boils down to whether you could differentiate whether it was love or lust or just plain rebound. and yea, i've never been in any long-term ships, so i can talk motivating things like this when i dunno crap. but i think, someone new might help, a lot in fact, if you really wanna move on and not mope and cry all day.

i didn't blame her. maybe she was just trying hard to move on, even when it was barely a month. and i think girls have narrowed their choices to those who gave them the most attention, like the way rihanna sang, that girls need to feel that they're the only girl in the world. but then, the war is not yet lost. what might be one's glass, might be another's gem. she wasn't even a friend of mine, but i just found out that she and her new bf are both friends with my friend in fb. it's twisted and amusing at the same time.

only time will tell. distance and time, i will be waiting. =)

undecided

it was quite an eventful day yesterday despite me having to spend quite a big chunk of my rest day in the aquarium. but luckily, it went well, i'm pretty satisfied with the end result. felt like a huge burden off my shoulder. well, one shoulder, another will be the dreaded monday morning as always.

my hometown is actually a small cowboy town, where the shops will be closed and the streets empty by 9pm. it is a very sleepy town, that's why i kept on falling asleep any chance i get whenever i'm home, ok, that's irrelevant.

so, the point that i was going to say, you're more likely to meet your neighbour or your school teacher while going for grocery shopping or the likes. it is a town where almost everybody knows everyone. uh, maybe that's just me, i used to work front-line, i seem to have this weird thinking that everyone i met is familiar.

geez, i seem to drift off from saying my main point these days. i'm getting rotten. i need to start writing again.

where was i? oh, yea, the small town talk. there was this guy, we used to work together at the frontline. then he quit. i didn't see him again until 2 years later. in kl. the joke was that he lives in my sleepytown too, but of all the places, we met again in kl.

my girlfriend hails from kelantan. she said her classmate was from my sleepytown. turns out, he's the nephew of one of the teachers in my high school, and he lives next to my block. the joke was that it took someone from kelantan for me to know that someone who's related to the teachers in my sleepytown and lives in the next block, met in kl. funny.

my childhood friend in sleepy town, though we kinda drifted away after rumours spreading out that he kinda had a crush on me. i was a darcy-dreaming girl, so charming is what he's not. and perhaps i regarded him more as a bro, it would feel incestous, kahkahkah. the last time we met was when he told me his plans after spm. which was 10 years ago. met in kl. at my housing area.

i saw the second guy after 4 months, today. he smiled a weak smile and looked stressed. i hope he's okay. the highlight of the day was of course the childhood friend. he recognized me from afar. i still look the same, the nerdgeeky look i sported since i was 10, lol. of course the gf was throwing daggers at me, they seemed in a rush so i just smiled and walked away.

i am having trouble sleeping. gotta get this overflowing thoughts out, gotta sieve them.