Thursday, September 30, 2004

free, for now

current Y! status : i don't fuck with you so don't you EVER fuck me up!
thinking of : a date tonight, maybe?

oh yea! monday wasn't my last day of work. i still worked the next day. got this cute i'm lovin it tote bag for the crew with the most large mcvalue set upselling last week, LOL! haven't really figured out how did i get that one kekeke.

i've been experiencing this internal backside pain which caused severe cramps to my being. and the pain was unbearable on tuesday night while i was working till i had to ask kesh to go to the clinic. i couldn't even stand nor sit. i ended my shift one hour and a half earlier after bidding everybody goodbye.

when i reached home, all of what i've been feeling; rejected, humiliated, sadness, sorrow, worn-out, tired, disappointed, pain; flowed in one direction through bucketful of tears. all of it, in one go. and i can breathe easy after that. called mom up, at 12am, reminiscing of the pain and she mentioned of coming but i said it was ok if she didn't though i was dripping from head to toe of bathing and tears. was thinking of goin out alone but thought better. get myself online and replied to a few messages when suddenly the door burst open.

there, my one and only caring mother hugging me like a baby. janganla jealous! thanks MAK! it meant so much to me when everybody else is not around. she did come even though it was 1 in the morning and she had to go to the school at 7. rounds of talk and she went back at 2 something after hugging me hard and whispered she'll always be there, ALWAYS. tak lupa gak suh aku study, hahaha!

i felt better after that though i'm still in for another big shock. please guys, let the world befall upon me but don't take this 2 people away from me. =( don't hurt them coz when they are, i will too. when i will, i can make your life miserable, feel their pain a thousand times more. i don't care if you're plotting against me but what did i do to deserve this? i keep to myself mostly, i don't use your belongings, i don't even interfere with your lives whatsoever. what else must i do to be left alone? i'm juggling this to death and i'm getting this shit from your fucked up face? that you're stabbing my back with the so-called weapon?

please, be honored. i'm too strong for this. don't say you're sorry when i speak my piece of mind which i've been putting to hard work recently. i loathe your faces. felt a savage desire to just rip that sneer off you. oh i'm sorry. right now is the full moon and i tend to overload my emotions and reactions with mad thoughts. THE PAIN? the more it feels through my body, the more i want to say, oh hello bitch! have a bitch day, bitch. hahaha. man, i'm evil. this hatred just vibrates through this weak bod. oh i'm happy!

p/s : i'm gonna flunk my electronic apps 4 sure. adoi.

Monday, September 27, 2004

life just sucks

current Y! status : get up, rock on, it's time for a new drool subject
thinking of : 19:16, buka time!

i woke up this morning for instrumentation lecture, feeling a bit edgy. i don't have any idea why but these days happening whatnots just tore me. and you know what? i said this to my room-mate before we were gone to class, she in front of the mirror,

me : tau tak? life just sucks.
awei : kenape?
me : entah

and that one was my first greet of 'good morning' to her before i said anything else.

the crush-engaged-to-someone-else-thingy, my housemates fucked me up last friday giving me the creeps to scream I DON'T FUCK WITH YOU SO DON'T YOU EVER FUCK ME UP! i felt cheap and degraded when they did that. why la you guys tried to make those kind of fucked up lame jokes during this worse condition. i'm having so much in my head till i don't know where do i stand now. having problems, with money, my flunking course-marks. *sobs* kyle, i'm stuck nowhere.

but topping all of that, today is my last day working, before my one-month off-schedule. i'm not that happy but not that sad either. i'm happy coz i can study for finals, unhappy coz when i'm feeling troubled, there's always the cheery face of zura, vicky, kasman, syeedee, popai and zand to give me the warm feeling of togetherness and that i don't feel so alone.

ok, time for the uniform.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

time, for a new crush!

current Y! status : the guy i have a crush on, is somebody else's fiance
thinking of : dain, engaged.

yep! dain is officially hitched to god-knows-who. fizal told me last night when i was about to end my night shift. i was cool when i heard the news, but along the way back, i was on the verge of tears. it was sad, i've never felt a guy affected me this way. *deep breath* well, i still can adore him from afar, right? that calm face i started to get affected with. i hope he's happy and that's all i cared.

my favorite buddy was online last night. time kasih shakir. sayang ko sangat! to omar, thanks for the remark, of all the remarks, LOL! and for khaleel, understanding myself better eh? i think it's time to rock on and find a new guy to drool for.

my significant other is asleep when i called him a few hours ago. relieved that he's not out in the streets, racing. here's a picture of my classmates, the girl in yellow tudung is awei, my room-mate and the other is idda.

mcD night fellas, you guys rock my world!

Monday, September 20, 2004

farewell farewell

current Y! status : What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

thinking of : the heavy workload and tests this week

i've been doing back-sink for friday and saturday closing. the first one came when popai asked me if i could do back-sink (back-sink is the term for basuh periuk belanga masa kenduri) and as i was pissed with kesh, but even if i didn't i would have give it a shot anyway. so, took off my heels and changed to phua chu kang boots with an extra protection of plastic bags so that my feet won't smell tungkik hahaha. you know how boots smell right?

it wasn't that bad and that hard either. i managed to finish by 12.30am and the second day an hour late, i don't have any idea why. i think i don't have any problem doing back-sink after this as vicky planned of plotting against kak ida. she was mad because she thought we were stealing hours. that really blew vicky up. the other girls may scream "rosakla tangan. tak nak la buat back-sink". that is very true. my hands were puffed and in pain. this was caused by the detergent used is of high chemical quantities.

i don't why the heck i did it. i'm not up to gain the guys' respect or what coz zura remarked of "kalo vicky tau, mesti dia lagi sayang dekat ko". maybe the challenge drives me. tapi masakla 2 hari berturut-turut, besoknya bangun kul 3 petang hahaha. buruk perangai anak dara nih.

even missed to send anis to melaka sentral. really couldn't lift my eyes and get up. she was happy with her comeback this time. the last time before her spm exams. i'm happy that she's happy. my housemate zura asked didn't i feel jealous of her? getting to the one of the best schools in malaysia, getting what she wanted stuffs. well, the fact is i am not jealous at all. coz she worked her ass hard for it. i myself could get those stuffs but i chose this path where i am at now. so, no regrets. :D

kasman and zand are having their convo this 9th at skudai. anis' will be on the 13th but my finals will start on the 12th hehe. the sooner they graduated, the more i'm feeling sad. they were so nice to me, especially kasman. spent last nite sitting on my bike with him and we were talking to the rest of closing crews. i felt like staying there all night, talking to them.

got back home at 3am and i was stunned. everybody was looking for me when i didn't turn up around 1. i always leave my mobile when i'm working. kak an and awei even fought of my whereabouts. they even planned to go out and search for me when they couldn't locate me with apai or at my parent's house. thank you guys. love you!

yesterday, malacca's operation consultant, saifong was at the store. she reviewed the performance of the crews from the standard's point of view with kak ida. she complained that the crews "tak senyumlah, especially the specky one" haha. i'm the only specky at the counter. :P i'm friendly but i reserved my smiles. you know that kind of steely smile, where your lips curved to a smile but your eyes didn't show that hint of friendliness. she detected that i guess.

keys-off now. i'm tired. have to find movie trailers for my technical communication presentation this thursday. sayurrrrnara (kasman's trademark :D)

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

a letter for myself

curent y! status - where the fucken on earth is that piece of shit?
thinking of - silat grading

dear eine,

hi! i know you're not in a stable state right now so i just sat here and felt like typing for you.

first things first. how's your significant other? he's fine i know but what about what between you and him? obviously there was nothing to tell about but let me remind you something. you've been through this before and you can overcome this one just like you did last time. he's nothing believe me girl, but the nothingness filled the emptiness in you right? *sighs* i don't care if he went out with a thousand girls but he could at least respects you. this is not right. i can ask you to just forget of what had happened, but being through this before, i know better. he's the kind that stuck for life, isn't he? what a lucky lad.

well, i wouldn't say he's a bad guy - he's one of the softest and nicest i've ever known, but maybe just maybe he hated commitments. he goes with the flow and he doesn't care if the world treaded upon him.

girl, i know you're very fond of him so get out. just get out. where he won't hurt you no more, where the nothingness won't become the pain. if he realized what he's missing, he'll come back. for you, i'm sure. and don't keep saying that you're afraid of losing a best-friend. i thought you had kyle. people change, eine so don't expect things to go the same way as it used to be.

that soft gaze isn't goin to melt you anymore. coz that gaze hurt you and i wouldn't allow that to happen again. i'm sorry this had to happen when you had so much in your mind. you're much stronger than you thought, so fight it like a man. and don't let other people hurt you. for once, be bold and face the world. you'll be surprised.

anis is coming back, right? that's good news. heard you're goin back tomorrow? get the car, drive it like hell, when was the last time you geared a 130km/h? oh malacca is very much bumpy and holed nowadays.

take a deep breath and breathe fresh air. you'll be fine during silat grading tomorow. and stop thinking about this whatnots. not worth the time. get good sleep and eine, be tough!

sincerestly me,


Saturday, September 11, 2004

slightly unhappy

current Y! status : i did what i did and i made myself did what i did, so what if i did what i did?
thinking about : dain..dain..dain..dain

my significant other is making me felt weird. feels like the feeling towards him is not what it used to be. this is what i feared when we started getting on close. coz he's like a wild pigeon, coming towards you and gets away when you started close. and i was afraid of being too possessive which i shamefully did, causing him to withdraw. i'm happy with what we have but i can't help caring for him even when he regarded me as a friend (which i doubted much with that soft gaze i fell in love with hahaha!). fly away guy, coz even it hurts me, at least i know we are not meant for each other. you will still be the bestest friend i've ever had.

i'm gonna have this MUET crash course at 9am. i don't know why language dept didn't do the usual MUET classes they had each semester. maybe not enough request but there were so many candidates as the first degree and diploma batches are going to graduate next year. and the one i'm attending is the first of two series held in another 2 weeks. then there's this english camp today too, organized by the same department but i didn't manage to attend because whatever it is, MUET is more important. 3rd year degree students are required to attend and of course kak an with no regrets skipped it. she's going on a picnic with the girls. they asked me to join them too but MUET.....

not for khaleel. his english is damn phat and he had to go because everybody else's names on the list. he complained about going, fussing about the precious time he'd let wasted instead of doing assigments and studying but he did go. hope you're having fun there, khaleel.

HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY for Asrul! May ALLAH bless you with good health and longevity.

A belated wish for my dearest and bestest room-mate i've ever had, Awei. *mwahx* she turned 20 on the 9th.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

sleepy and sick

current Y! status : offline. i'm at awei's pc.

just woke up from a nap. i didn't feel very well. ni hujan smalam punya pasal laa.

micro-p class was cancelled this morning. tau, aku skip class je tadi. but i didn't regret it because i saw the object of my eye, dain. whenever he's within sight, my spirit rose high and made me looking forward brightly to the day. funny how this tall guy made such impact on me. kalo die lalu time aku kat klas, ngantuk2 trus segar bugar. hahaha.

my room's phone been blocked. petang smalam gi bayar, malam trus kene block. hampeh! but telekom did call me through one automated voice call, reminding me to pay the 2 outstanding months bills. not that i didn't have the money, but time constraints forbade me to do so. didn't i mention of waking up in the morning to go to class, got back and get ready for work. i seriously don't have time for other things before i go to work except classes and lunches (which i've been neglecting too, lately). after work? well, my shift ends at 12.45am. any post office open by then? hahaha.

later people. on my way to instrumentation tutorial.

Monday, September 06, 2004

walkin in mid air

i can't breathe easy
can't dream you
had another dream without you
lying next to me
there's no way.....

blue - breathe easy

current Y! status : available "ice blended mocha. yum!!"

call me jiwang, call me sappy but i am currently addicted to the song above. and i am not alone addicting. awei and idda, too. and it is the theme song of me and awei's room. :P

i'm having a headache to choose awei's birthday present this coming 9th.

- a bracelet she's had her eyes on - too bad, the promotion ended already
- chocolates - she didn't like em
- some perfumes - hmmmm....??
- jewellery box - aaaa...???
- carved keychains - too far...

and i can't decide. haiyoh. this is driving me crazy.

my significant other's playing hard to get. i've learnt my lesson. giving him the space and the rope to pull, hahaha! the truth is, i loved his soft gaze when he looked at me. just to be on the safe side. i'm happy with what we have now. *grins* though there's always space for something more.