Monday, November 29, 2004

anger management

current y! status : new 64k same number simcard but old 3610 again. :(
thinking of : the 'stuffs' i tried at the mall

i should attend those anger management classes. i'm easily pissed nowadays. and my mouth works faster than my head, muttering vulgar words which i banned myself from saying. everytime someone / something pissed me, there's always s*al or b*bi coming right back at them. or even this afternoon's brengset at a car which appeared out of nowhere close by my side when i was trying to slow down from colliding with a slow bike.

the driver cynically said "hai, marah ke cik kak?" kepala otak ko x marah, bodo it disrupted my already foul mood. lucky i'm sane enough than flash an's infamous middle finger point.

this was one of the bad examples of working at mcD. our vocabs would make nik safiah and awang sariyan shrieked in horror. hehe.

everything looked red, worth complaining and swear about. i'm turning into a horrible hot-headed monster who chomps away on stupid customers, insensitive drivers and everything that won't go my way with those banned words.

those words made me feel guilty. i wasn't brought up with them. when we were little, my mom used to warn us that she'll cleanse our mouths with bawang or cili if ever she heard us using those words. that scared me a bit. i grew up with books, became a nerd with nerdie friends so those words are a definite no-no though we used them as a verb instead of as an expression of anger.

it is full moon but i'm scared that i get easily angered over little things. i have to get a grip on what's going on. have to take a deep and long breath and istighfar banyak-banyak. or was it the weather, i wonder?

my body is not okay. i can not consume rice at lunch without having the great urge to get everything back out again. i can not eat anything bigger than big mac. i can not eat on time. i can only consume dinner without having to puke only at mcD. and everybody kept asking "dah berapa bulan?" "are you alright?" i'm having this addiction for wrigley's doublemint to keep me from thinking about what i've just eaten and puke.

i've replaced my stolen simcard with a new one at maxis centre. the process was a breeze though i had to wait for some time. so you people, i'm still using my old number with my old trusty 3610. =) it's just painful that i'd have to replace the lost 3months-old 3100 with a new one. :(

i'm sporting a new spec. mom dropped by mcD yesterday to give me my new high-indexed multicoated lenses specs. i'm lovin' it!

p/s : beautiful-beautiful full moon. i'm goin for a late supper with closing team crews. :D

Sunday, November 28, 2004

boring day

current y! status : something so strong it could never be wrong
thinking of : the encounter

i am not feeling well now. i've been like this since day one here. instability and RM2.50 worth of mee goreng wasted down the toilet bowl. i was so mad and pissed at the stupid customers till i threw up all in one go. darah sudah naik kepala till i got a headache controlling my anger and keeping a bright and smiling face to those idiots.

but as i saw his car pass-by, i felt a bit better when i was a bit dissapointed seeing him not working when i arrived earlier. hearing his booming voice comfort me poyo nyer aku and i thought he'd gonna stay long but i was wrong. he came by just to give the tokens from sai fong. as i made my wobbly way to the toilet, all i hoped for was a glance. but none. and that was the last time i saw him yesterday. he'd gone back straight after that. remember, i had to play it slow.

i saw my significant other with another girl. seriously, i'd get mad before. recounting madly at zura of how and what and why. this time, i glanced at a guy i thought i knew, which i did and that was it. i couldn't even single out a feel of jealousy. maybe a bit but it wasn't enough for a guy i thought i've loved all this while. the only word i was able to mutter was pegi mampus oh ok. this me.d thingy really stuck. not even kyle. speaking of kyle, that distant feeling of maybe i've never known a love so pure, so trusting and so giving like it was for kyle. and maybe i've always believe that love is like a pail of water, you can always give it to anyone and still retain the half parts. LOL!

a new attraction opened my eyes for the facts i knew but kept a blind eye on. i kept asking myself, isn't that what i wanted all this time? but why am i hesitant to say yes when zura asked me the same question? i am having second thoughts. i'm still young but me.d is not. i have time to play around but he's not. why am i interested in guys that i have no interest to live with for the rest of my life? then probably it is just another matter of time. i miss him. =(

Saturday, November 27, 2004

happy as a bee

current y! status : scribblings on the wall
thinking of : the cute guy who ordered a fresh french fries

i purposedly went to mcD to see him today knowing that our shiftdidn't clash with each other. i dragged bada along there. to my glee, he was at the front counter, helping oni out. the place was jam-packed with families. we took a seat first waiting for him to be free from serving customers the crowd at the counter to thin out. we were greeted with a "balik2 muka dia je" and he gestured jokingly for the other line's customer to proceed. i was grinning though speechless. i kept saying wrong things when he was right in front of me. he enquired about my classes and i'm glad he cares. :P

his mood was better today, compared to yesterday when all that talked was our glances to each other. before bada and i went back, i asked to borrow 'The Terminal' cd - the movie he talked to me about. i liked the way he looked at me that time, the kind of soft gaze he seldom wore when we were all at work.

i'm in jiwang different mood. hope this affection dies. coz i'm not strong enough to carry on this secrecy anymore. i want to tell the world i'm happy and i couldn't do that because our workplace's policy doesn't allow affairs between superiors and crews on the basis of that the affair will affect and distract the progress of the store. experience lovebirds in the same class, you will know :P

by the way, friday is my official off-day. having no classes and soon, my cuti will be on friday too. giving me ample time to tido balik rumah my parents and settle my projects. now, i'm stuck thinking of what to wear for the annual dinner provided the theme is black&white. i only have 2 pairs of black baju kurung and a pair of white kebarung. but then, i'll have to ask my personal make-up artist LOL. my managers insisted on wearing something that people seldom looked you in. hmmmm.....? any ideas?

Friday, November 26, 2004

untolerable pain

current y! status : rindu padamu, hanya Tuhan yang tahu
thinking of : annual dinner of 2004

i guess i was in a crazy mood. knowing that he works morning shift made me thought of having lunch there. but it seems, i hadn't had much appetite lately with my runny nose, the queasy feeling of throwing up, headache and my sore throat. early symptoms of a fever. anyways, i did go with zura, promising to send her to melaka sentral after lunch.

as we arrived there on my bike, i glimpsed his figure cleaning up the outer lobby's table. i couldn't help but suppress a broad smile. he noticed my appearance and i felt his gaze shot through my body. all of the time i spent there, i just get that hard cold look, not even a hi or a smile. seems the chat we shared three days ago were nothing. but i knew he was watching or stealing a look or two at me. perasannye aku but it seemed obvious that everytime i lifted my gaze higher than zura's eye level, i'd always caught his eyes staring at me. there's this one time when i was looking outside at a passing biker on a 125z sampai terpusing-pusing heading for a public phone. when i turned my head to zura again, i saw him looking directly at me from the front counter with a smirk and i-know-what-you-were-lookin-at impression causing me to almost blush.

zura's remark was "orang tua tu yang ko gilekan?" well, he looked very old mature than his age. and my answer to the other zura's question of what's the attraction was that i am different from the other girls and i tend to find typical guys boring.

by the way, my faculty already shifted to our main campus in durian tunggal. tempat jin bertendang the place was beautiful with two man-made lakes and i can imagine in 5years how the place will look than like tempat meteor terbabas constructive chaos now. the place's 20minutes drive from our temporary camp. i'd rather ride on my bike than bangun awal nak keja bas experience nausea and headache and bumpy rides on the college's bus.

i need a bath and i'm gonna have a long day tomorrow to see my supervisor for the mini project and still not replacing my sim-card. i was supposed to get my new spectacles today but my baby was feverish causing mom not able to pick me up. poor thing.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

in and out of love

current Y! status : mE.D
thinking of : why la isn't he working today?

firstly, SELAMAT HARI RAYA though it may have sounded late.

i am sorry i haven't updated this blog for so long. i've had my holidays after finals were over and i've been working my ass all over. i didn't even get myself to fully raya coz i worked everyday since november 1st, having an off day every week but not the week-long holiday everybody deserved for raya. and i broke the rules this year when we only got back to my kampung on malam raya coz i worked on the day before, the 1st and the 2nd of raya. before this, the latest we'll be back was 2 days before raya.

i guess i'm thankful to my mom for being so understanding of my dedication to work (err, it was my desperation to pay for the 2-months outstanding bill haha!), sending and picking me up from work everyday and every night early morning. my aunts and uncles were like are-you-out-of-your-mind and that i'm becoming a bad workaholic and gila duit hehe. can't help it, people. :P

by the way, my store has a new store manager, a guy who's strict, garang, tak hensem looks ok, funny, has an animal-like charm and a good example. i liked the way he laughs evilly at a good joke and the fact he's kaya financially stable. why did i bother to tell the world about this guy? coz these past few days had been restless and i can't think of anything without having visions of him in my head. i think i'm having a crush over him.

when did this actually started? since the day i first reported back after a month off. my heart always skipped a beat when he's a round but i just leave it to that, thinking that this infatuation would casually fade over time. but after this one particular day when i asked him what's the colour of his car, he took his rokok and sat beside me while i was having my break. we chatted about cars and bikes and even how to make the most out of your petrol. ok, it is still under control.

i continued my job and it was closing time and i had to do inner lobby. i started with sweeping the floor, before laying the table with red-cloth, sugar/creamer pots, flower pots and finally mopping the floor. he'd go around helping crews occassionaly and he started with me. he laid a few tables and i thought he'd just stop at that leaving me to do the rest. but i was shocked that he continued to finish laying ALL the tables. as i haven't finished sweeping the floor, he continued to MOP the floor. ow gosh. even if i'm the only girl during the closing shift doesn't mean he can onli help me. i kept thinking of what the other crews would say though i doubt that coz helping me kept his gaze off them. tak nakla makan gaji buta i asked the mop back from him though i had to silently argue with him when he insisted on finishing mopping the floor.

it was his soft side that touched me. he may looked brutal, lashing out at people with vulgar words but i sensed his loneliness. *sighs* but people say he's anti-girls. i don't really believe that though. zura even challenged me of for how long this crush will last? i don't know, zura. i fall in and out of love so easily that people find it hard to believe when i can be madly in love with 2 guys at the same time.

so, me.d is the only thing i can think of right now. not even my new campus could distract me from thinking of him. i'm scared coz this pain hurts. i'm even more scared when i couldn't stop grinning to myself everytime he crossed my mind. i felt like a kid experiencing puppy love.

for shakir, time kasih gelakkan aku, time kasih sebab cakap biar masa tentukan, time kasih sebab tak bagi aku amik part lelaki dan suh aku cucuk jarum hehehe.

by the way, i lost my handset at mcD. so for you people contacting me these days, i'm sorry you had to hear me working. i'm going to maxis centre tomorrow to replace my lost one. terbang 50 huhuhuh feel free to sms me :D