my crayon ijul-chan

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during his chicken-pox absence from school, a conversation between my mom and my youngest bro.
mom : adik minum milo tak?

bro : milo?

mom : yer, adik tak minum ke?

bro : hmm, tak.

mom : kenapa adik tak minum? penat mak buat pagi tadi untuk adik.

bro : adik turun je bawah, adik tengok milo tu dah sejuk. adik tak minum la.

mom : .... (speechless)

for those of you who seemed clueless, my little angel is actually a 5-year-old lovable brat, who wants his milo hot, else he won't drink it.

cheh, betapa demand nya ini budak:

------------------------during another occassion:

on his liking of sandwiches.

me : kak long dah buat sandwich untuk adik. ada dalam fridge.

bro : (yawns... and went to pickup the sandwich)

me : ha, bukak la makan.

bro : sandwich ape ni?

me : telur dengan tomato.

bro : (takes one triangle and aims for a bite. but puts it back)

me : la, nape tak makan?

bro : adik nak makan anggur dulu

me : (noticing his hesitance to eat the sandwich) kalo tak nak makan, letak balik dalam fridge.

bro : (guilt) eh, adik bukan tak nak makan. kalo kak long buat sandwich sadin, adik makan.

you see, by sardine, he meant tuna. this little boy is so used to life's little luxuries, in the form of food. but i know he's not like some kids (and some adults too!), resisting veggies. he eats the green pepper people usually used in pizza toppings, even steamed broccoli. tomatoes and carrots are his favorites. he eats spinach because he saw popeye getting stronger by eating his can of spinach. ah, talking about good influence.

now, tell me how to make this kid:

drink his milk?

uploading......

i wonder, where do i stand? sometimes in the path of others, sometimes at the back of someone's head, but most of the time, stuck in the world of oblivion.

i'm not mad.though i would like to scream right now.

i'm not okay.as i couldn't focus on anything else.

i'm not distressed.because i still can laugh my heart out.

i'm not fragile.i may trip and fall, but i wouldn't break that easily.

i couldn't put these into a proper speech, because it'll be raining tremendously while delivering it.

tak marah,
tak kisah,
tak pedih,
tak sedih.
cuma hiba.
bila hiba,
tak nangis.
tak meraung.
tak mengongoi.
hiba bila hati tak sampai.
hiba bila masih meletak harapan.
hiba bila jiwa kaku.
hiba bila logik memberontak.
hiba bila perasaan membelakangkan segalanya.
hiba bila naluri menuntut hak.


haven't it occured to you that after all these years, your happiness do mean something to me? even when it hurts me.

i still try to find my place in the diary of jane.

digging up old times.

the days before and after raya had been hectic. i worked for the straight 11 days and *bum* a very bad flu and headache the week after.

it's exam week and i just finished my first paper. i've never scribbled that fast in this semester. even faster than in architecture class, haha. anyways, i'm up to study the next paper. maybe i'll be working during deepavali. have to work out the lazybum.

you see, i have this separate folder for my old pc's files. you know, the kind you migrated into your new one. usually, i don't open up the folder unless raya is approaching, and i need the recipe e-book i kept there. but raya month is nearing an end, and i don't bake cookies like i always did for raya either.

i was looking for a picture of something, when i noticed the rows and rows of text files. some named weirdly and some named after the date of the file itself. when i clicked those files open, i realized this was the other part of me. the other part of me who wants to be heard.
reading those files made me want to cry, laugh, smile and all the other feelings decribable to man. i was so naive back then. no wonder, some people tagged me that back when i was in my late teens. most of it was written during my confusion and trying out new things period.

the times when i never experience backstabbing, yet. the times when i don't even know how to differ between infatuation, crush and obsession. the happy times. the times the only problem is about why i'm still single. the times i don't have to worry about money. the times when my english sucks. i am happy to be within my own peers only.

i still remember that when i wrote the writings, i know i'll be laughing at the way i was back then when i read it in the future.

guess what? my 23-year-old self is already laughing at her 3-years younger self. HaHa.

but i do know some things just don't change. i'm still single, hahaha. though it's not the main priority now. my english still sucks. and i still don't care what people say about me. now, i'm happy on my own.

ah, for old times sake, i wanna make up for the things i missed. come to think of it, i've experience it all. been there, done that. it's just that i'm glad these memories made me what i am now.

so, i'll eat a toast to these writings. made to perfection with a thick slather of butter and a light jam spread, definitely with my preferred cup of tea. *yum* cheers to the memories of the past. it's definitely time to create more to life.

between to lie and not telling

i'm not really an effective lie-detector. i mean i can't even tell people is telling me the truth or not by looking at them.

i don't easily trust people, but i tried to not have bad impressions of them. maybe that's what makes me look younger than my years, heh!

i dislike people lying to me. or not telling me things i should know for that matter.
because i always know in the end. and always not in the best manner.

it's like having a husband who's having an affair. it's either you caught him in the act with another woman, or finding a hotel's bill on dinner date for two dated on valentine's day. it's definitely not with you since you exactly remembered you went balik kampung to your parent's house. a guy won't definitely go on a one-on-one dinner date with another guy, rite? unless they're gay. so there're two possiblities : either he is third-sticking you with another woman or with a guy, he really is a bi. either way, he still cheats on you. or not really telling you. both ways, you will be hurt.

ok, that was some serious issue. my point here is, don't lie about things you shouldn't be lying about to the ones you love and the ones who love you. and do tell them about things they should know.

it is definitely better to know from you, even when it hell hurts and you can do the comforting the pujuking whatever.

BUT,

if they knew from someone else, boy, you're so in a deep shit. when you do wrong, you apologize and say sorry. but when the damage is done, you can still do the comforting or the pujuk sessions, but you'll need more time to heal what's wounded.
so, take my advice. because,








forgiven, but not forgotten.

saya, bas dan cinta

ada apa dengan cinta? Ya, ada apa dengan cinta (selain dari hakikat saya telah lima kali menonton filem itu !). Filem yang baik saya katakan. Ringan plotnya dan tidak memeningkan kepala (oh, selain dari loghat Jawa pekat yang menyukarkan). Tetapi saya bukan mahu bercerita tentang filem cinta remaja dari Indonesia itu. Persoalan filem itu yang menjadi pokok utamanya (terkecuali Rangga saya yang jambu!).

Teringat kepada seorang makcik saya. Berdarah bangsawan, tegas dan manis sekali jatuh cinta kepada pakcik saya yang gila-gila, 'easygoing' dan 'charming'. Sekali pandang, mereka pasangan ideal. Tahu apa cinta lakukan pada makcik saya? Dia memendam rasa menerima amarah pakcik saya yang panas baran untuk kesekian kalinya. Sesekali terfikir, berbaloikah menahan sakit hati seumur hidup hanya kerana cinta? Hum, saya bukan pecinta agung. Bukan hak saya untuk menilai sejauh mana nilai pengorbanan kerana cinta. Merasa cinta pun belum pernah di ambang senja alam remaja.

Tetapi yang saya tahu, cinta memang nikmat. Dunia bagai milik berdua (sampaikan berkepit seharian tak ingat keliling!) Falsafah saya tentang cinta : Ia hanyalah untuk Yang Haq dan rasul-Nya. Aku cinta padamu hanya omongan kosong (sekadar mengingatkan kita milik Ya Rabbi) pada saya. Siapa perlu mencinta seandainya cinta hanyalah kepada Yang Agung? Secara tulus, cinta pada Tuhan membawa kepada cinta manusia seluruhnya.
Cinta remaja yang merosakkan (bukan semua) malah pernah berlaku kepada saya. Istilah lebih popular - cinta monyet. Bukan apa, lebih banyak bertepuk sebelah tangan daripada bersambut. Justeru, saya tidak pernah ambil pusing. Crushes come and go. Mudah. No strings attached. Saya tak pening kepala, si dia lebih baik tidak tahu apa-apa! Lebih senang begitu setelah terlalu banyak 'rejection'.

Abang kesayangan saya (lain ibu, lain bapa!) baru putus cinta. Bila ditanya penyebab terhenti angan-angannya, dia menjawab selamba "I lust over her, not love". Hum, nafsu memang sungguh berbahaya. Seorang teman memegang prinsip "Love is a leap of faith". Sangat bermakna kepada mereka yang sedang bercinta. Leave it to your own imagination.
Seingat saya, sehingga kini saya sungguh setia dengan Mr K. Terus terang saya katakan, dia memang bukan Mr Right saya. Pertemuan pertama mengundang kebencian kerana mulut lancangnya. Lama-kelamaan, saya perasan Mr K sungguh berbeza dari semua lelaki yang pernah saya kenal. Lalu apa yang boleh saya katakan? Mungkin cinta sudah hadir di hati saya untuk seorang lelaki yang memang secara terangnya menolak saya.

Teman sudah jelak mengingatkan buat apa ditunggu yang seorang, ramai lagi boleh dicari. Sedangkan yang seorang itulah yang payah dijumpai, untuk apa saya bersusah mencari ganti? Bila cinta hadir, datanglah segala cabaran dan dugaan. Cinta saya tidak seindah cinta Joon Sang dan Yu Jinn juga tidak setragis kisah Joon Suh dan Eun Shi, tetapi saya senang sekali menyayanginya tanpa ada rasa ragu atau bimbang. Kerana saya percaya pada mencintai tidak bermakna memiliki. Cukup sekadar menyimpan perasaan nan indah ini nun di lubuk hati saya.

Ada satu e-mel yang diforwardkan kepada saya. Lucu tetapi menikam kalbu. Ianya mengenai bas dan cinta. 3 bas sudah berlalu : bas buruk, bas penuh dan bas tidak berpendingin hawa, barulah anda menyedari cuaca mendung dan anda sudah terlewat. Lalu anda menaiki mana-mana bas yang datang seterusnya walaupun bas itu buruk, penuh dan tidak ber'air-cond'. Barulah selama ini anda menyedari anda telah menaiki bas yang salah dan membazirkan banyak wang, masa dan tenaga anda. Prinsip yang sama untuk cinta juga. Tak salah untuk memilih tetapi sekiranya anda tersalah bas, apa yang anda perlu lakukan ialah tekan loceng dan turun dari bas itu. Tak susah kan?



written in 2003

misconceptions

i am always being wrongly thought as,

- a 20 year old, whee!
- serious
- unfriendly
- garang
- flunker. thats why i work in mcd, coz no uni wants to accept me.

to which i happily accept. i don't bother with all these wrong thoughts about me. if you don't bother to know by asking, i'll live with all these misconceptions.

i just don't give a damn.

takde tajuk

malas betul nak fikir tajuk untuk contengan kali ni.

jangan suh aku kasi tajuk dengan buat rumusan. dengan jaya nye aku flunk, hehe.

untuk beberapa bulan aku menghilangkan diri:

• aku suke hannah montana! jangan tanye kenapa.
• aku belajar banyak benda mengenai banyak orang.
• baca kurang dari 5 buku. banyak baca nota2 lecture wakakaka!
• menggunakan pen2 yg kaler2 setelah bosan dengan lead pensil dan black pen.
• * telah turun berat badan (walaupun belum dapat disahkan kebenarannye)
• cukup tido. walaupun keje melambak2.
• aku sayang HOD aku. hehehe.

dan baru sangat ni:

• aku telah patah hati. untuk kesekian kali nya. balik2 tepuk angin je, penat jugak. last2 dari tepuk2 angin tu sia2, main gelombang mukhsin lagi best.
• jumpa cik navy. sangat suke.
• tah sape2 suke sangat kaco aku kebelakangan ni. aku bukan tak suke, tapi aku dah malas nak mula balik kenal orang.
• suka dengar within temptation.
• stimix aku jam. takde masa nak gi betul.
• sangat gembira. dalam tengah-tengah sedih, aku boleh mencari mana gembira. penghargaan buat mereka yang telah meniup aku kembali, teguh bertapak.

yeah. aku memang terer buat poin. buat sementara nih, aku macam rajin nak memerah otak menulis dalam bm. hehe.

ucapan SELAMAT HARI RAYA ditujukan buat semua, terutama rakan-rakan yang berada di perantauan. kalo kene gi kelas pepagi raya tu, ingat kat aku weh. aku kene keje jugak raya nih. hehe. triple pay beb.

fyp report aku lum siap. sv kasi extend pulak. sape nak tolong aku wat fyp report? aku belanja mcd seminggu kehkehkeh. interested, kasi call.

selamat datang ketupat dengan kari, lemang dan rendang. paling penting, tat nenas dengan choc chips. biskut makmor adik aku beli kat pudu x sedap. ingat makan je aku ni. ye lah, setelah kecewa akan meninggalkan ramadhan nih, syahdu je rasa, trus ingat makan je.

saya akhiri penulisan karangan ini dengan ucapan,




puasa tak cukup, x leh raya! hehe.

mencuba melupakan

ramadhan tahun ni datang lagi.

terus terang aku cakap, aku memang happy puasa kali ni. bukan sebab baju raya aku 4 pasang tahun ni, oke?

kerja aku sepanjang jadi student semester ni, alhamdullillah, dapat siap (walaupun kebanyakannya aku siapkan dan abaikan 'babydoll' aku)

'baby' aku dapat disiapkan setelah aku berjaya blackmail kawan aku wahahah. gile jahat, tapi tu la kebenarannya. esok2 aku upload video baby aku berjalan2. baby yang sangat patuh.

'babydoll' aku pulak dah settle first-phase. lantak le aku dapat ape pun, sebab aku tau aku takde effort. sian babydoll. maybe cuti nanti aku bagi sepenuh perhatian kat dia.

aku tau ada orang sangat berbahagia ramadhan ni, aku pun tumpang happy untuk diorang. sebab aku dah lama resign. penat la pulak, duduk la sekejap. hehe.

pasal tu, nanti aku cerita. sekarang ni, nak menikmati ramadhan yang dah ke penghujung. sedih pulak rasanya nak tinggal ramadhan ni.

berbaur perasaan. malu pun ada. aku takde apa-apa.

bila kita dah susah, baru nak cari apa yang salah. bila dah tak ade, baru nak cari apa yang kita dah hilang.



i won't lose you. you will.

the elated post

i'm feeling void. yep, not a single thing. numb. sitting at the dark room with a study lamp for the source of light. the stupid lamp decided to torture me with its slowly dying lamp-out. whatever.

i don't feel i have enough time in my hands. not because of the business but by mishandling the little i had. rock the brain, eine! maybe the lack of using it for the past 8 months took its toll, ha!

i have these screaming on my incoming list. trust me, it's going to add up sooner than i could finish the earlier stackups.

- micro-p robotics project. legos, anyone?
- fyp thing. i haven't even finished the shitload of papers to ponder over and it's already the third week! oh yea, the proposals.
- the neverending list of reports to settle.

... that's all i could remember for now, though i knew there's more lurking nastily beneath those lecture notes waiting to scare me and have me screaming at the top of my lungs at the last crucial moments.

oh, i almost had free wednesdays. classes start at 11 am. and maybe just maybe i could cut the extra hundred bucks from my wages and get an extra free day? you tell me.

starting semester

i already started the new 07/08 semester. it was a fresh start, after 8 months leaving the lecture rooms and the labs.

so, i'll be having a very busy semester. i need more money, so taking time off work is not a healthy option for my pockets but dangerous for my schedule. i'll make do with every minute i have.

i have loads to tell, but i'm not in the mood to type long since i still have some work to finish before i hit the bunk.

why are the matters of the heart, difficult to handle and cope with? since they vibrate with the whole being you are.

bf saya balik petang ni. memang la saya still single, tapi dah dia rasa dia bf saya, dan adik saya cakap saya yang perasan cakap dia bf saya, lantak le. i'm so not into this poyo talk about relationship. hahahah!!

reaching out

i used to write long entries. i used to miss the hours i was away from typing my thoughts here. that was when all i could think ; how unfair the world was to me.

it has been a lot of changes. i keep what i treasure and share some of it whilst keeping the darkest and the most intimate.

for the period i was away, 2 major things happened.

my grandfather passed away. he was bedridden for 2 months and we were all relieved that he's gone and no longer in pain; though we fought alongside him but knew his time has come and let him be with his Almighty Creator.

i'm going to miss his ketupat-weaving days, his patience and his rhymes. he was 90. Alfatihah.

my cousin's wedding. it was the 2 weeks after, in solemn mood. in 2 weeks, we said goodbye to my grandfather and later, welcoming a new family member.

i missed the ambo-ambo (our tradition of candy and coins throwing by the newlyweds) for a better cause that puts light and consoling arm to the grief and pain. more than a dream come true.

for i've changed, more than you know. more than anyone else knows.

good breakfast, great morning!

i'm actually writing in the morning, out of the office! at home actually. well, coz of these:




a lot of you might think that this is utterly stupid, but hey those marketing people is brilliant! apart from wasting the money on the sampling, since this is business, so you'll be nowhere if you aren't willing to spend stupid money.

i'm talking crap since i don't get sleep since yesterday, pardon the whatnots. i'll explain more on this much later. for the time being, if you see any pyjama-clad guy or girl within a vicinity of a mcdonald's, they're not some wackos. they are there to give you free breakfast. you may laugh all you want after you redeem your free sausage mcmuffin.

see my barney slippers and pooh? *stifle laugh* i also laughed when i see these pics. truly hilarious. rightqta2x.

for the times, through and through

sometimes, all i wanted to do is, very specifically just
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SCREAM MY HEART OUT.



but i guess this helps me be a better person on the outside, though terribly bitter one at heart.


i'm so into the mood of not talking these days. i did my job and watched the heavenly sight of dusk beaming down at me. ah, bliss.

get away from me, people! i may eat you if suddenly i felt like it.

a completely unrelated post

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF INTERNSHIP!

--------

have you ever felt confused with human behaviours and expressions? yea, like the genius christopher boone in curious incident of the dog in the night-time, but of course his was in fact related to his disorder.

i can tell when someone is angry, or happy by watching the micro-minute expression on someone's face. even telling someone is lying down flat on his back when i listen to his drawl on the phone. it's freaky he said, since he didn't tell me that fact. i couldn't help it, though i might not admit it, i am very much an observer. see, make judgement think, take note and say (if anything need to be said). well, my taking note isn't like harriet the spy's, furiously scribbling on notebooks. it's mental.

but, i really couldn't understand when someone told me a long-time friend hates me. the source is a reliable one and not the kind who'd make up stories just to impress. i am puzzled and confused. i couldn't care less if someone hates me, but if it's someone i've known for so long, even had a crush on once, there must be something wrong somewhere. coz he was the kind i failed to read, the emotionless people. lack of emotions he covered it with his nice, helpful ways and never was lokek with his things. it was something in his demeanour that puzzled me now and then that comes home when the truth was told. i am not angry, just felt like a foolish fool, why didn't i see it all this while?


------

it is indeed my last day of internship. i felt relieved coz no more waking up early ( i hate to leave my bed in the morning! ) why is internships always a nightmare? it's not that it was my first-time anyway. either it's the work or the people around it. that's why i didn't cooperate.

i'll be back to write my report coz my pc refused to be on good terms with me, hence, he shuts himself down. the last time also the same thing, duting my diploma year, when i'm on the brink of writing my report, just like this time. *sheesh* the report!

-----

what will you do when you hear your footsteps and your thoughts louder than when someone is screaming at you? the sound just keep ringing in your head. trust me, it sure drives you crazy. no, it wasn't the impact of hearing loud bangings of mr rob bourdon on full throttle through the headphone. it was something that popped up from the past. (cheh!) so, i don't mind you screaming at me for now, but keep your face expression to a minimum, oke? don't look like i-just-pissed-on-you-pissed kind of look, but please be nice to a deaf person, will ya? hahahaha.


-----

pc mogok so i'll be in touch much later. rightqta2x.

mood for love

love from dictionary.com means :

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness

i watched jane austen's pride and prejudice yesterday on hbo. i actually have its pirated one but didn't manage to watch it (gosh! it was already a year since i bought it, shit!).

i read the classic when i was 15. though i struggled to understand the twists and turns of the english used in it, i was enthralled and caught up with the love of proud mr darcy and the outspoken elizabeth bennet, better known as lizzie. i even wished for my own mr darcy at that time.

having watched the movie, my understanding of the book becomes somehow passionate as i got to see the love portrayed in the book comes to live. about a man in love and would do anything for the love of his life, including saving a girl from disgrace after eloping with a man by marrying them, even in he had to bribe the man to marry the girl. the girl happens to be lizzie's younger sister. this forced lizzie to see another side of an arrogant and aloof man she became to love.

you don't get to see mushy love scenes, coz those are absolute no-no back in 1797, the year the story took place. i'm not a good reviewer, so i'll just end this entry with the dialogue at the end of the movie which took place ath mr darcy's residence.

mr darcy : it is a very lovely evening, my dear.

lizzie : don't call me my dear. that's what my father calls my mother when he's angry with her.

mr darcy : then what should i call you?

lizzie : you shall call me, lizzie for everyday, my pearl for weekends and my love for special occassions.

mr darcy : when i'm angry, shall i call you mrs darcy?

lizzie : no. you shall call me mrs darcy when you feel happy, when you're so in love, when you feel content, when you mean it.

mr darcy : mrs darcy (showers lizzie with kisses)... mrs darcy... mrs darcy.

---

i'm such a hopeless romantic sometimes, sheesh! i found my own mr darcy some time after that. though my adventure never quite come close to lizzie's nor the ending itself.

love is when you can overcome your pride and held your prejudice. that's what lizzie and mr darcy did, hence the title. first impressions never really captures a human as a whole. sometimes you get the mirror, instead of the real persona.

i still love the book anyway. the way mr darcy wrote love letters to lizzie would be very formal to today's era of openness in affection and desire but still full of affection and love that would move you. it leaves me wondering err.. wanting anyway, the gentleman who is wealthy and an archetype of the aloof romantic hero, hahaha. no wonder mr darcy recently topped a survey in the uk of fictional characters with whom most women would like to go on a date, beating such creations as bond and superman.

complaints comments on today's headlines

• 4.9 juta yang layak mengundi masih belum berdaftar

.... including me. call me and the rest of the qualified voters ignorant. but since i became legal, i didn't come across any spr promo booths anywhere within my lepak places. come to think of it, maybe my hours of lepaking didn't quite clash with THEIR promo time period *ngeh*

seriously, if i were to pangkah for my favourite candidate, i'd be stuck in the voting booth thinking of which might bring the most to my town or i'd do undi rosak a tick instead of a cross coz cracking my head up over 2 strangers definitely will damage my poor brain cells.

instead, it's easier to vote for the cuteassst AF student. never mind his/her rubbish not-up-to-standard performance. ogy can eat her own words! it's more nerve-wrenching to see aznil's gimmicks and words on the identity of the kicked out ousted student than to count the race on who's going to voice your opinions and complaints to the right channels.

so, get yourself registered. watch out for the soon-to-be elections, accept all those kain pelikat/kain batik, be happy with the new jalan berturap tar on the God-knows-how-long muddy full of potholes as big as a tyre pay special attention to the propagandas, vote for your yb. if your voted yb wins, make sure he/she doesn't makan gaji buta by realizing those promised propagandas. that should be it.

• kereta lebih 15 tahun dilupuskan

..... not! oh, come on. 2 cars that i regularly use are: vic is as old as i am and sen is as old as my 20-year-old sister! they rarely cause me any problems and i'd be more than happy to drive them than any national car.

call me unpatriotic. call me a traitor, too at that. but this recent proposal to ban old cars on the road and giving a rebate of 5k for the junk to promote national cars doesn't seem to make sense to me. yea, i know proton is dying but blame the open market and the afta whatnots, not my poor old cars. i wish i could help but i'm not up to it even if the car is free. buruk-buruk my cars, i only have to fork out my money once in a while when they're sick. new car? with fuel and the monthly installment, would drive any tauke balak jadi botak.

unless, it's the honda civic 2006. now, how much would you take the two junks?

something real.

it was getting dark and it had been raining heavily. she strained to see through the mist on the windshield, frantically wiping the blurry screen. outside, the rain was still ticking. she had a feeling of something bad, but she couldn't figure it out somehow. she kept on driving her usual stance but couldn't help accelerating as she was running late.

when she turned a corner, she saw that there was a big water puddle at the other side of the road. something struck her as odd. then she saw it. a lorry was coming at her through the water puddle! she tried to keep her calm but as jets of water sprayed across her windshield and denying vision of the road ahead, she lost control. she screamed and screamed.............................. BANG!!!!.............

as she was drenched from head to toe because she forgot to wind up her windscreen.

-----

that was me. living in the outskirts left me with a wound down window as the air is still intact. but maybe not appropriate in rainy seasons.

i am writing on a friday the thirteenth again.

comfort : a definition

comfort. dictionary.com offered 11 but this one fits the most to the one i'm gonna describe.

a state of ease and satisfaction of bodily wants, with freedom from pain and anxiety.

comfort 1 : definitely my one and only bed. even when i went to hotels and relatives' houses which definitely had better beds and pillows, i couldn't help but sleep the sleep of no dreams and stiff neck/back. hehe.

comfort 2 : being with family. they worked wonders. or with the ones i cared about.

comfort 3 : chocolates!

comfort 4 : of course fooood!

comfort 5 : a bath after a tiring day.

comfort 6 : olive dry oil mist by bodyshop.

comfort 7 : books. good ones, please.

superbly comfort : snuggle up in bed on a rainy afternoon with chocolates and read shin-chan without screaming siblings in your ears.

that's all comfort i can offer for now. rightqta2x.

phew.. part 1

my lecturer/supervisor already came this morning for the presentation. i was so nervous till i stuttered halfway through. i'm quite a nervous wreck. so, it's the first phew for the period. PHEW!!!~~

truthfully, i don't know what to write. certain things happen that i took them to heart. i don't know where to start when everything seems of the same importance.


love is definitely a delicate matter. i respect it with passion and desire it ignited. it took me 6 years. don't take too long. for i'll be long gone.


...with love.

before and after..

do you know the feeling when all you wanted to do at that particular moment was dropping whatever you've been holding and have sex embrace your bed? when it happens, i lost thought of anything and everything. only to feel that soft fluffy bantal busuk against my cheek.

ok, enough about me in love with my bed; it fit a description of a sinous affair. hehe.

my supervisor postponed her visit to next week. quite a relief but i still panic coz i haven't finish the reports and the presentation, so i'm quite in a deep shit right now. SINCE my pc decided to merajuk on me as i did ignore him and fondled him less and less since i decided to be monogamous towards the bed. oh shit. did i mention my bed again? my bad.

i still owe this place the part ii review, a tribute to a friend, and a stupid joke for the day before yesterday's fools.

i'm good, but still sicko from staring at the square box, both here and at home. dang!

tense. period.

workload piled up.

getting so busy.

addicted to tv (i wonder where did my youth wasted?)

my supervisor is going to visit next tuesday. need to prepare presentation, have to finish the codings, the reports.

double argh!

about the job

about the job

in one article i read:

it's not unhealthy to not like your job. you don't really have to like your job. as long as the pay is damn 6-figures you do it right.

well, it's the other way round for yours truly. i like my job and i enjoy doing it right. EVEN when the pay is only fit for a slave dog. err, that's what some of my so-educated-on-human-rights friends thought. that my employer(s) underpaid their slaves workers.

the fact is, an extra hundred though some may deem small, it goes a long way here especially for a big spender student like me. i mean, who would buang give away a hundred bucks to you without anything in return if you don't consider your parents la kan. hehe.

the station that is assigned to me sometimes is the drive-thru order-taker. i lived my first year working this station. it was pretty boring actually and you don't get to talk or socialize as you'll be alone at the back of the store. the only time to chat was with the customers as you've got all their attention and they, yours. it definitely rocks when you actually chat to a total stranger about akademi fantasia right? especially when you find out that they watch it for the same reason your mother did. hahaha!

it is nice as you get to talk to the customers and cuci mata or mintak no telefon get to know them the way you won't be able to outside. it's really touch-n-go, man. some of them return, some of them might be the first and their last. yet, with a brush of fate, in less than a minute we exchange words that may change our lives. how you really don't judge them by their cars, be it real glam and fancy or even buruk bertompok-tompok.

this is where the rich meet the middle-class. where everyone is treated in the same friendly manner. the VIPs of special treatment here are only kids, pregnant mothers and the elderlies. all, queuing patiently with one same goal. speedy and food and service.

what more to say? i'm lovin' it!

mating season

i got to cuci mata see the birds, do the thang. not just a pair. a lot of tutup mata scenes. i guess, it's the season.

---edited---
it's a pair of feathery birds, oke. and no, i didn't stare and scrutinize the way they did it.

happy birthday, mak!

love you.

an attempted joke

me : i am sorry, sir. you still have to wait for your apple pies. can you please wait over there?(while pointing at a drive-thru waiting spot)

pak arab : you will send them to me?

me : yes, i will.

pak arab : by bluetooth or sms?

me : (stunned for a few seconds at the attempted joke) errr... infrared
maybe?

his friends apologized later as he was heavily stoned; quoting something about him using weed. i will still laugh when i thought about that stoned pak arab.

oh mirror..

DECEMBER = BEAUTY
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Great in bed. Inner and physical beauty. Doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. A meaningful love life partner. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Horny but does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions.
Knows what to do to have fun. Unpredictable. Someone to have close to you.Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.



*lol* so true especially the bold ones. wahahahah!!! oh, taken from GurlFriday's. =)

gile pendek summary review: 300 & mukhsin

• 300

we started the marathon with this movie. the original intention was that we could get back early since mukhsin would only take about 95minutes while this movie is almost a good 120 minutes. turned out to be a wise choice.

i was intrigued to see this movie since i saw the trailer in the cinema before ghostrider was screened. you know, those cine-ads. i am not a movie buff nor a critique, so this review is gonna be plain & simple.

leonidas was born a king. a tough spartan, too. he was raised to be a fighter; all spartan men are his restlessness defies his racing, tactful mind. when he kicked the berlagak persian messenger into the death hole, he ignited war and anger on xerxes' side. the king himself knew the war would be between sparta against the world.

so, he picked 300 strong spartan men who would fight till the last beat of the heart, the ones who had sons to bear their names even after the menggerutu monsters and the oracle (whom were bribed by the enemy and a traitor) forbade him to go to war for the sake of apa jadah majlis tah. oh, spartan kings went for blessings from the oracle before they went to war.

when his advisor, theron and the council queried his decision to go to war with the 300 men, leonidas coolly said,

"oh, i'm just taking a walk. those are my 300 bodyguards."

well, who would imagine a victory of 300 men against the world, logically speaking kan? unless it's the battle of badar. so, they fought to death after another traitor spilled the bean on the weakness of the hot gates. but their deaths inspired the whole of greece to unite in the line of democracy, fighting xerxes.

the thing about this movie was the way leonidas planned every attack, how every single unit is responsible to protect the whole team, especially the ones on his right and left from the neck to the knee. but then, that's why leonidas is king, not just another comrades. it is interesting to see spartan's coming of age test (called a-go-go agoge), how leonidas lured a big wolf to the corner of his hiding and killed it when it was stuck at the small corner and came home to his people unharmed.

300 is with a lot of effects that look minimal, be it sound (nice soundtacks) or visual and it is 18PL mind you. definite no-no for kids and those who couldn't stand the horror of beheadings and sight of bloods.

queen gorgos, wife of leonidas delivered these;

only spartan women gave birth to real men.

go, my love. you will do what a free man will do for his freedom.

.....to be continued.....

another post for today

this is my latest addiction. STEREOGRAMS! this one (no prize in guessing) i like is a big heart.

- taken from magiceye.com image of the week -

i still have to use the complete idiot beginner's way of starting from the nose till the eyes get juling twisted visions.

i still remember the day when i was a kid, i was the laughing stock of the family coz i couldn't figure out the 3D picture beneath the repeated patterns. now, kacang aje.

i'm ready with my popcorn. *whee*

catching up

i spent yesterday and half of today's work with doing practically.... nothing. the programmer needs a break, and with a break she did all these:

friendster-hopping : ok, it's been some time since i last did this. browsed around through some wonderful, awfully loud, insanely wacky or just plain crazy profiles. interesting. i did come across a few ex-schoolmates; one already in overseas, one being the man who wears his undies outside superman freak, a bunch somewhere around the globe.

did stupid quizzes : yesterday was the dating style and today:

What Type of Lover Are You?

Emotional
Take this quiz!

bleurgh! i am bored dead.

i may not have the best start of a day today. a friend already had his car loaded up and he couldn't get my orders back with him. well, since my orders were ridiculous, i laughed at myself since he was driving a Cil for KECIL hahahah! even if he had a bigger car, i doubted he would tolerate my orders like he did the last time. it's okay dude. next time, it would be my turn and i'd be well overboard with it, mind you. :P

i saw a bad accident involving a trailer, a Cil (again!) and a bike this morning on the way to work. trailer swerved by the roadside in the drain, the Cil in the middle of the road with the bike stuck on its front and the Cil's condition? way beyond recognition, you get the picture. i saw a woman shudder and she almost cried at the look of the horrific scene. me? after witnessing 2 Cil's fought over whose lane is it anyway yesterday and ended up shouting whose fault is it anyway when one of them hit the other causing an ugly ketuk workshop bill, my verdict was: Cils are so fragile.

i will be on my movie marathon later today. for 300 and mukhsin. YEAY!!!

my kind of dating style

Your Dating Style: Casual Dating

You are all about taking things as they come, you may just date someone once or it could turn into a life long thing. You just enjoy the mystery of it all.

'What is your dating style?' at QuizGalaxy.com

i rest my case.

the career

yea. i may sound darkly boring (apart from shoving tampons sniffing my leaking nose), but with the eerie silence in the penitentiary (read: the office), what activity is legally possible than sleep while pretending to work stare at the square box? besides, 4pm is considered the most unproductive time of the day. bless me.

it just struck me that the ones i've shared some parts of my life with, have already gone towards different directions. no matter whether our childhood ambitions were doctors, lawyers or even teachers, we are definitely moving on to prove our worth.

what i am going relate will be based solely on my experience. insightful encounters that made me smile everytime.

doctors - they are a bunch of weirdos with a crazy sense of humour. they just can't find the decent side of anything without making a joke out of it. and doctors are able to make dirty jokes and still look innocent without having to pull that angelical halos off their heads. i'll just have to remind them that the no-joke-allowed period will be the time i drink, or prepare for the spurt of the century from yours truly.

teachers - one word: proper. well, since their job is about presenting (read: teaching) where students will be the kutuk scrutinizing end, they'd have to be perfect and composed. err, almost. at least, they should be presentable. as they're very the proper one, they also got the certain level of properness (which i failed to comply miserably). the proper thang made me uneasy but teachers are nice to watch and their ability to command with a glare is definitely one of a kind.

engineers - engineers are a loud bunch, the ones who'd turn a place upside down. they may look like geeks, but their pranks are beyond the nerdy looks. the prank-puller, the party-popper, the ..... list goes on. engineers just rock!

not because i'll be one someday that i wrote a nice one on engineers. they were my observations of my friends and their peers. maybe i'll write more on other careers later.

on the other note, i strongly think that whatever you do, whether in a high-flying international co or even a small cramped office in a suburb, it is vital to enjoy the work. when there's satisfaction, you'll be content and strive towards bigger goals. there's no point fighting for the job that you loathed just for the sake of its 6-figure salary.

siapa kasim selamat? doktor, loyer, majistret? apa? ahli muzik?

- nyonya mansoor in ibu mertuaku

in this famous quote from p. ramlee's drama of social caste; the rich should only marry into their equally rich counterparts. it is a message that the jobs mentioned are the qualities mothers look in potential husbands for their daughters : to provide security, comfort and is financially stable (read: lots of money). i mean would any mother let her offspring she so lovingly bore and bred die of hunger by letting her marry some unknown guy with no stable job and no money?

i'm talking nonsense. about doctors and engineers and suddenly, nyonya mansoor? i blame this on the medication and the unproductive environment. *jumps around* nak balik! nak balik!

that distant feeling...

emo these days. i don't get to have my chocolatey therapy; the fact that i'm sick (yeah, i made a big fuss over my deteriorating health, i don't get bedridden that often); all of the other yadas added up to miserable me.

the .show and .hide are making me throw up. the classes aren't tolerating without the correct coding to the datagrid. tell me if i am just stupid slow or not learning anything at all? i'm using the designer for the reports, but will it be possible to have two tables in one report through one environment? if you can make any sense out of these, consider getting in touch with me.

after cameron, i seriously need a get-away after this mental abuse intern period ended.

when it can't hold anymore

i collapsed. due to the fatigue from my hectic schedule. be it work, social, work again and lack of sleep.

i've been having the painful sensation, throbbing my head like crazy. the thought-out solution: well, just shoot me in the head.

the truth is, i don't even have time for myself. my hours are numbered and planned with a lot of things to do. it is a lucky day if i can get back home before 12, in the morning. it is even luckier if i'd be able to sleep before 2. i'm driving my body haywire.

it gets harder to write nowadays. it wasn't a frequent affair that i sat staring at the blank page and blinking cursor a year ago. i'd be flowing with ideas. today, it took me exactly 2 hours to complete this stupid short entry.

i'm done feeling sorry. in fact, i don't. so don't expect me to beg and plead apologize. live with that. this is what i am. be it or fuck off leave.

i'm off, nursing my throbbing head.

of cars and (mis)fortunes

dear baby,

i hope i haven't been causing you too much trouble. since you got back, you've been hospitalized too many a time. and everytime he yanked or treated you roughly, just bear with me. he may not be the best, but i like what he did to you and the way he did his job.

you don't know how much i missed you since we last parted. how i longed and longed for you, longed for the day we'll be able to meet again everytime i see the ones like you. we've been through a lot, together. you may not be in the pink of health, but i'm proud that i still can count on you, to be there through the scorching sun or the cold wind and rain.

i know you're sorry for the times you let me down. but giving your age and health condition, i'm contented that you're still here, with me. i'm more than happy, baby. at times when i can't be with you, don't fret or regret. i cared for you too much to hurt you.

i'm just worried about the bills. soon, i may not able to afford it. that i will have to let you go. until the fateful day comes, we'll both enjoy the day as it is.


love,

your cute owner

chocolatey therapy

sometimes when i'm depressed or need to get that stupid thought out of my mind, i'd resort to the bliss and comfort of bed when i'm home. because sleep always work wonders even if i end waking up groggy and puffy-eyed. or i'll just laze and golek-golek on the bed with a book. *ahh, heaven*

if all else fails, i will happily indulge into anything that is edible and would do less damage to my poor tummy. even when it's nasi at 2 in the morning right before neverland, i'll still bon appetit! it rather explains my late night sessions; eating. i do watch my weight because the first signs of that extra baggage will make its presence known with a fuller moon-faced me and painful effort to fit into my fave jeans. but i'd still eat whatever i want, whenever i like. period.

oh, back to the topic. recently, i've taken a craze on chocolate. not that i'm not crazy about them before this, but it has reached a new height. especially when i found out that it has soothing effect on me. the heavenly taste of chocolate melting in your mouth and all you can murmur is MINE, MINE and MINE! and i've become stingy with the chocolates. sorry, i don't share them. go buy your own =p

this mornin i grab gardenia's quick bites with double chocolate. not bad at all. well, it still can't compare to choc indulgence, i can give a go at the cake over and over again. *ngeh*

so, the next time i have a jam or got stuck, you'll definitely find me nyorok-nyorok with mocha nescafe and anything with chocolate in it.

bon appetit chocolat!

when all that matters is.... sleep

it's hard to begin. but it's even harder to stop once it started. coz i don't do summaries. everything to me must be described in detail down to the last bone. it's in my nature to korek everything out.

but due to the nature of this blog, i am sometimes prone to exaggerate things more than the ways things actually are. the writer in me i guess.

i've had a sober night. this morning was sober too. it was a tough decision to make, but i ruled it out not once, but twice, without even a blink. the curse made its presence and grip known.

it was a new record for the playa

believe me, i'm not even proud of it. especially when it involved people i cared about. the reason? i'm not in a fit state of mind. so, leave it at that. the way i'll always be comfortable with.

i'm dealing with my depression and i don't need strings of events to add more to my already fully-occupied hands. i'm asking time for myself before i can share it with others.

i'm done, summarizing.

a wide angle of relationships..

y! status: coz i lalalalalala love yew.
thinking of: this stupid obsession



my darling angel turned 5 yesterday.

beezee..

current y! status : view my webcam

sometimes i thought of closing this place down because of my inability to update on a regular basis. but another part of me detest with the fact that this place is where i learnt about life by writing along with it.

i treasure this small space i had to have my say though i know that little came by. but i do know that one day, i'll come by here, browse around and laugh at my silliness and share the thoughts and feelings i had back then.

i kept promising myself that i will update to which i failed to. i am almost sorry that these days, i had even little time for myself.

a little update:

# serving my practical period which started in december.
# got to know 2 guys and been hit by the 3 months curse (more updates later)
# the thang between me and guys born in '87
# i only get to see my mom on sundays, that is if she doesn't go out. (argh!)
# i am fatter hehehe.

so, i'll type again, soon.