my crayon ijul-chan

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during his chicken-pox absence from school, a conversation between my mom and my youngest bro.
mom : adik minum milo tak?

bro : milo?

mom : yer, adik tak minum ke?

bro : hmm, tak.

mom : kenapa adik tak minum? penat mak buat pagi tadi untuk adik.

bro : adik turun je bawah, adik tengok milo tu dah sejuk. adik tak minum la.

mom : .... (speechless)

for those of you who seemed clueless, my little angel is actually a 5-year-old lovable brat, who wants his milo hot, else he won't drink it.

cheh, betapa demand nya ini budak:

------------------------during another occassion:

on his liking of sandwiches.

me : kak long dah buat sandwich untuk adik. ada dalam fridge.

bro : (yawns... and went to pickup the sandwich)

me : ha, bukak la makan.

bro : sandwich ape ni?

me : telur dengan tomato.

bro : (takes one triangle and aims for a bite. but puts it back)

me : la, nape tak makan?

bro : adik nak makan anggur dulu

me : (noticing his hesitance to eat the sandwich) kalo tak nak makan, letak balik dalam fridge.

bro : (guilt) eh, adik bukan tak nak makan. kalo kak long buat sandwich sadin, adik makan.

you see, by sardine, he meant tuna. this little boy is so used to life's little luxuries, in the form of food. but i know he's not like some kids (and some adults too!), resisting veggies. he eats the green pepper people usually used in pizza toppings, even steamed broccoli. tomatoes and carrots are his favorites. he eats spinach because he saw popeye getting stronger by eating his can of spinach. ah, talking about good influence.

now, tell me how to make this kid:

drink his milk?

uploading......

i wonder, where do i stand? sometimes in the path of others, sometimes at the back of someone's head, but most of the time, stuck in the world of oblivion.

i'm not mad.though i would like to scream right now.

i'm not okay.as i couldn't focus on anything else.

i'm not distressed.because i still can laugh my heart out.

i'm not fragile.i may trip and fall, but i wouldn't break that easily.

i couldn't put these into a proper speech, because it'll be raining tremendously while delivering it.

tak marah,
tak kisah,
tak pedih,
tak sedih.
cuma hiba.
bila hiba,
tak nangis.
tak meraung.
tak mengongoi.
hiba bila hati tak sampai.
hiba bila masih meletak harapan.
hiba bila jiwa kaku.
hiba bila logik memberontak.
hiba bila perasaan membelakangkan segalanya.
hiba bila naluri menuntut hak.


haven't it occured to you that after all these years, your happiness do mean something to me? even when it hurts me.

i still try to find my place in the diary of jane.

digging up old times.

the days before and after raya had been hectic. i worked for the straight 11 days and *bum* a very bad flu and headache the week after.

it's exam week and i just finished my first paper. i've never scribbled that fast in this semester. even faster than in architecture class, haha. anyways, i'm up to study the next paper. maybe i'll be working during deepavali. have to work out the lazybum.

you see, i have this separate folder for my old pc's files. you know, the kind you migrated into your new one. usually, i don't open up the folder unless raya is approaching, and i need the recipe e-book i kept there. but raya month is nearing an end, and i don't bake cookies like i always did for raya either.

i was looking for a picture of something, when i noticed the rows and rows of text files. some named weirdly and some named after the date of the file itself. when i clicked those files open, i realized this was the other part of me. the other part of me who wants to be heard.
reading those files made me want to cry, laugh, smile and all the other feelings decribable to man. i was so naive back then. no wonder, some people tagged me that back when i was in my late teens. most of it was written during my confusion and trying out new things period.

the times when i never experience backstabbing, yet. the times when i don't even know how to differ between infatuation, crush and obsession. the happy times. the times the only problem is about why i'm still single. the times i don't have to worry about money. the times when my english sucks. i am happy to be within my own peers only.

i still remember that when i wrote the writings, i know i'll be laughing at the way i was back then when i read it in the future.

guess what? my 23-year-old self is already laughing at her 3-years younger self. HaHa.

but i do know some things just don't change. i'm still single, hahaha. though it's not the main priority now. my english still sucks. and i still don't care what people say about me. now, i'm happy on my own.

ah, for old times sake, i wanna make up for the things i missed. come to think of it, i've experience it all. been there, done that. it's just that i'm glad these memories made me what i am now.

so, i'll eat a toast to these writings. made to perfection with a thick slather of butter and a light jam spread, definitely with my preferred cup of tea. *yum* cheers to the memories of the past. it's definitely time to create more to life.

between to lie and not telling

i'm not really an effective lie-detector. i mean i can't even tell people is telling me the truth or not by looking at them.

i don't easily trust people, but i tried to not have bad impressions of them. maybe that's what makes me look younger than my years, heh!

i dislike people lying to me. or not telling me things i should know for that matter.
because i always know in the end. and always not in the best manner.

it's like having a husband who's having an affair. it's either you caught him in the act with another woman, or finding a hotel's bill on dinner date for two dated on valentine's day. it's definitely not with you since you exactly remembered you went balik kampung to your parent's house. a guy won't definitely go on a one-on-one dinner date with another guy, rite? unless they're gay. so there're two possiblities : either he is third-sticking you with another woman or with a guy, he really is a bi. either way, he still cheats on you. or not really telling you. both ways, you will be hurt.

ok, that was some serious issue. my point here is, don't lie about things you shouldn't be lying about to the ones you love and the ones who love you. and do tell them about things they should know.

it is definitely better to know from you, even when it hell hurts and you can do the comforting the pujuking whatever.

BUT,

if they knew from someone else, boy, you're so in a deep shit. when you do wrong, you apologize and say sorry. but when the damage is done, you can still do the comforting or the pujuk sessions, but you'll need more time to heal what's wounded.
so, take my advice. because,








forgiven, but not forgotten.

saya, bas dan cinta

ada apa dengan cinta? Ya, ada apa dengan cinta (selain dari hakikat saya telah lima kali menonton filem itu !). Filem yang baik saya katakan. Ringan plotnya dan tidak memeningkan kepala (oh, selain dari loghat Jawa pekat yang menyukarkan). Tetapi saya bukan mahu bercerita tentang filem cinta remaja dari Indonesia itu. Persoalan filem itu yang menjadi pokok utamanya (terkecuali Rangga saya yang jambu!).

Teringat kepada seorang makcik saya. Berdarah bangsawan, tegas dan manis sekali jatuh cinta kepada pakcik saya yang gila-gila, 'easygoing' dan 'charming'. Sekali pandang, mereka pasangan ideal. Tahu apa cinta lakukan pada makcik saya? Dia memendam rasa menerima amarah pakcik saya yang panas baran untuk kesekian kalinya. Sesekali terfikir, berbaloikah menahan sakit hati seumur hidup hanya kerana cinta? Hum, saya bukan pecinta agung. Bukan hak saya untuk menilai sejauh mana nilai pengorbanan kerana cinta. Merasa cinta pun belum pernah di ambang senja alam remaja.

Tetapi yang saya tahu, cinta memang nikmat. Dunia bagai milik berdua (sampaikan berkepit seharian tak ingat keliling!) Falsafah saya tentang cinta : Ia hanyalah untuk Yang Haq dan rasul-Nya. Aku cinta padamu hanya omongan kosong (sekadar mengingatkan kita milik Ya Rabbi) pada saya. Siapa perlu mencinta seandainya cinta hanyalah kepada Yang Agung? Secara tulus, cinta pada Tuhan membawa kepada cinta manusia seluruhnya.
Cinta remaja yang merosakkan (bukan semua) malah pernah berlaku kepada saya. Istilah lebih popular - cinta monyet. Bukan apa, lebih banyak bertepuk sebelah tangan daripada bersambut. Justeru, saya tidak pernah ambil pusing. Crushes come and go. Mudah. No strings attached. Saya tak pening kepala, si dia lebih baik tidak tahu apa-apa! Lebih senang begitu setelah terlalu banyak 'rejection'.

Abang kesayangan saya (lain ibu, lain bapa!) baru putus cinta. Bila ditanya penyebab terhenti angan-angannya, dia menjawab selamba "I lust over her, not love". Hum, nafsu memang sungguh berbahaya. Seorang teman memegang prinsip "Love is a leap of faith". Sangat bermakna kepada mereka yang sedang bercinta. Leave it to your own imagination.
Seingat saya, sehingga kini saya sungguh setia dengan Mr K. Terus terang saya katakan, dia memang bukan Mr Right saya. Pertemuan pertama mengundang kebencian kerana mulut lancangnya. Lama-kelamaan, saya perasan Mr K sungguh berbeza dari semua lelaki yang pernah saya kenal. Lalu apa yang boleh saya katakan? Mungkin cinta sudah hadir di hati saya untuk seorang lelaki yang memang secara terangnya menolak saya.

Teman sudah jelak mengingatkan buat apa ditunggu yang seorang, ramai lagi boleh dicari. Sedangkan yang seorang itulah yang payah dijumpai, untuk apa saya bersusah mencari ganti? Bila cinta hadir, datanglah segala cabaran dan dugaan. Cinta saya tidak seindah cinta Joon Sang dan Yu Jinn juga tidak setragis kisah Joon Suh dan Eun Shi, tetapi saya senang sekali menyayanginya tanpa ada rasa ragu atau bimbang. Kerana saya percaya pada mencintai tidak bermakna memiliki. Cukup sekadar menyimpan perasaan nan indah ini nun di lubuk hati saya.

Ada satu e-mel yang diforwardkan kepada saya. Lucu tetapi menikam kalbu. Ianya mengenai bas dan cinta. 3 bas sudah berlalu : bas buruk, bas penuh dan bas tidak berpendingin hawa, barulah anda menyedari cuaca mendung dan anda sudah terlewat. Lalu anda menaiki mana-mana bas yang datang seterusnya walaupun bas itu buruk, penuh dan tidak ber'air-cond'. Barulah selama ini anda menyedari anda telah menaiki bas yang salah dan membazirkan banyak wang, masa dan tenaga anda. Prinsip yang sama untuk cinta juga. Tak salah untuk memilih tetapi sekiranya anda tersalah bas, apa yang anda perlu lakukan ialah tekan loceng dan turun dari bas itu. Tak susah kan?



written in 2003