unintended posts.. edited..

backdated entries written offline....

september 21st, 2005

....and she cries, cries and cries her heart out. coz she knew, no one understands her. no one would. as the tears rolled by, she realized she's so alone, with no one to support her, or cheer her back....

i'm so touchy ever since. even the slightest slack would make me sad. it all started since that fateful day.

i wouldn't feel sad if it isn't true. i wouldn't lie to you about that. i wouldn't feel sad to let go if it isn't true. i assure you that. with all conscience, i will let go only if one of us found our significant other. then i'd rest. i'd rest my long-needed rest.

i know i did wrong to you. but it wasn't right of you to treat me like what you did; you came so close only to go far away. i didn't ask for more, coz what we had was beautiful. and i admit, i backed out, it was for her. i couldn't live with the thought my boyfriend's befriending my classmate, so i thought she'd think. though we were friends long before that. i just couldn't stand how much in love she was. it was a favour for a friend. then it came as a blow when you dug up what i've long buried. so sad, i felt angry. now, it feels funny when you just don't care. get hitched, then i'll shut up.

i am sorry to come like a whirlwind. spinning your world upside down and *poof* just like that. you're too nice. i'm not your type, you're not mine either. so, i'll pray for your good-being. i am not what you've seen. it's much more complicated. and please, forget me.

we complement each other well. why didn't i get rid of it like the many times you've broken my heart? you come, take my breath away and gone with the wind. how many times you tried to deceive me and failed? we've known each other too long. as time goes by, we'd keep each other's back. all we have is each other. your friendship meant something to me.

i treated you nice and all i get back is brotherly manner. if beauty is your priority, can't do anything about it. you're getting older and i wonder would she commit to you with the attitude you're showing? you're mature enough, but still a kid at heart who needs pampering. shocked? trust me, you'll suffer if you chose wrong.

i think i like you. and if we're given a chance, we might just hit it off. why are you treating me like you wanted more, but hold it off? anyways, i enjoy your company. it's not every time i get to talk to guys about my childhood *winks*.

you stole my heart and kept it nowhere within my reach. now you're gone. how am i suppose to keep going without a single word of you? come back. we'll see how far this goes.

i like the way you make me feel. i like the way you want to talk to me. i like the way you are. let's keep things this way. no heart feelings.

you are the most special person in my life. we've been through so much together and i respect you for that. i'm glad she did this to you coz you're able to be by my side now. i love everything about you. oh yea, the blue winston i've dumped by the back-sink. :P

which one is my boyfriend or ex? none! i have so much in my hands that handling a boyfriend would be a task too hard.

august 11th, 2005

it was 7 in the morning. what i'm doing this early? finishing my progress report. mad's gonna pick it up soon for our presentation at 10.

they say: you can love anyone. but you can't miss just anyone because you can only miss that particular someone you love.

i say: eh? how come? i missed someone so badly, then i realize i didn't love him at all?

they say: the pain to miss someone is unbearable. it made you hard to breathe like the feeling your life had to be taken away.

i say: it is bearable. i'm still breathing and have no intention to kill myself.

it has been a month. i'm counting down the days to a hopeful bliss.


july 28th, 2005

my convocation day will be the day after tomorrow. i feel excited. not because i spent A LOT on my dress which thankfully turned out fine. it was for the hardships, tears, laughter, agony all rolled into one period of three years. i made it here. though my results weren't something i should be proud of. hahaha!

anyways, my batch would be the first batch to graduate. we're still yet to have our own great hall, but seri negeri is a place fit for VVIPs, so i guess having our convocation there would be okay. i'm going to get my dee eye pee elle oh emm eh. i'm going to wear the precious robe and the mottar board i've seen in graduations on tv.

the convo fest has already started today. a book that was penned by my ex-school's headmistress caught my eye. coz that book is the tears and joy of my mom. the author told the ups and downs of helming a school and a blossoming sister-like relationship with a wonderful woman: my beloved mother...

edited: dah malas nak tulis dah time nih


july 27th, 2005

it has been so long. sometimes i wonder, where this knack for writing went to. the burning desire to let the world know about what i felt. and as time slips by, i understand that some of what i've experienced these past few months i'm gone, may be too private for my loyal readers.

so, between the times i could let myself to write, i will just update you guys with what has happened to me.

i am back at the same college. got it through direct-entry. so i'm in second year now taking electronics majoring in computer engineering. i keep to myself all the time if i'm not seen talking with my diploma classmates or na. na is the only fragment of yesteryear who took the same course with me. and mad, mat, hanafe and amri.

my new classmates see me as an arrogant, withdrawn, speak only to hammer people with dreadful questions. it was hard to blend in with kids. kids that thought they knew the world more than you.

these past 3 months, i've stopped writing because i lost access to streamyx and i just don't have the time to go to a decent cyber cafe. and the fact that i am alive for the day to work. i still haunt makan place. love the place, love the people there.

by the way him is history. i have new kid on the block. yupe. i emphasize on the word kid. but he's gone away now. i'll have to make do for at least 4 months while he's on training. that is if he still remembers me, then.