when you can keep your head when the others are losing theirs

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured lights
... no one's there ...

evanescence - my last breath

problems are meant to be solved. but what if by solving it you're going to hurt the person you loved more than anything in this world?

i wished i could lie, but as this tears rolled by, i can't hide it anymore. the pains hurts just too much.

backstabbed by friends is bearable though the wound keeps bleeding right down to this moment. coz at least you have someplace else to turn to. some one to trust, some one to hold you when your world fell apart.

but how about you no longer can trust anybody and that particular someone turns their back to you? and the world came crashing down on you? you've got nowhere to go to and the only thing that comforts : yourself. and it even started tearing away from you.

wishing that particular someone would just listen, but no they don't. even when both of you are bonded by blood. no more wishings. i could cry a river, but do they even cared? at least i know, these tears to save me from hurting myself and everybody else.

just me, here. alone with dark thoughts. swallowing all of these on my own. where nobody understands. nobody could. nobody ever will.

working...

So much happened since i last blogged something here. So, my baby is back again. Fixed by my dearest apai whom so nicely came and pickup my baby. my maxtor hdd had so many bad sectors that needed fixing and apai replaced it with one of his 10gig hdd. he knew i had to finish the report that was due on friday and it was already wednesday and i hadn't type a single word. so, his niceness (which made me felt weird, he'd never been that super-nice before, hmmm....?) saved my ass from lately sending the final report of my practical.

now? i'm working dear fellas. at the big M. for Makan, the place to make you sMile. yep! i'm now working at my favorite place to hangout. McDonalds.

first day - The first thing the training manager said to me,

Him : bawak lipstik?
Me : tak (hello, i don't even have a single tub of lipstick)
Him : besok pakai
Me : err, ok,

and i spent the next two hours watching boring videos. the other crews were very friendly and helpful. i ended my shift at 4pm, tired and sores. everything's in pain.

second day - i couldn't stand lipsticks. i only have two banana boat lip glosses. the other manager,

Him : besok pakai mekap. awak tak pakai ye, dik? (in a warning tone)
Me : pakai, bang (really i did lipgloss, tau)
Him : tak nampak la. bagi merah lagi. kalo boleh cat merah je terus

i wish! if the paint will not cause any effects to my lips i'd rather. i don't fancy lipsticks. too messy.

and i went to my local store, buying my first lipstick. ended buying a glitzy star from follow me. err, my local store got no maybelline.

third day - i went to work feeling my lips were rather creamy and swollen. cause of the lipstick. and i think people would notice the color from afar.

i am the kind of person who perspire much on the moustache area. i wiped my sweat on my sleeve and to my horror, i found lipstick smudges on them! aiyooo! see, i'm not suited for this kind of thing. and the workplace is hot coz i was in the kitchen, frying and packing fries.

fourth day - still on fries but i helped the presenters prepare drive thru orders.

thanks to those heavy frying baskets, both of my hands were swollen and painful when pressed. my waist hurts when i sat down for my 30 mins break. tomorrow, i'm gonna start taking orders for the drive thru. customers flow in but maybe not too many as tomorrow's a working day.

where's my grisham book?

of boyfriends and girls?

my friend and i talked about physical appearance and personality that day. this so professional topic came up upon the question of his : why was this girl still single?

the probabilities were:

- that i didn't look hard enough
> err, hello? i'm not the kind of girl who looked for her guy like shopping for clothes.

- that i was too picky
> why would i settle down for the second best available? let go, i want to see the world. but in the end, still wanting the not-logically-existed perfect package?

- give up the shy girl type. it's time for the flirtatious hottie chick.
> definitely... not.

- that i am not girlish enough?
> ok, so i don't wear and loved pink that much. and i'm not into trends, or eyeshadows or lipsticks and i don't wear heels *eeek*. and i consantly not associated with all of those. but i'm still a girl. i have it stamped on my forehead.

my mother has been nagging about my half-half attitude. what halves? her exact words were, "nak kata perempuan, tak duduk rumah, tak suka buat kerja rumah, kerja melasak keluar sana sini tapi nak kata lelaki, dah sah-sah perempuan". i'm very much aware of that, mom. and i'm proud i'm a girl. very thankful for it.

the fact is, i'm a girl that guys like to be friends with, not the one they'd have to be their girlfriend. so, i'll just live my life for now, enjoying the freedom to go out with anyone, having crushes on guys without feeling guilty and be me.

maybe, i should go to grooming classes?